1. “I must have said no a thousand times.”

Being raped by a woman isn’t cool and you aren’t “lucky”.

When I was 21 I was raped by the girl who was my girlfriend at the time. … The worst day of my life was when she decided to tie me up. She told me all the dirty things she was going to do to me while she kissed my neck and whispered into my ear as she tied my arms and legs down to the bed. Everything she said she was going to do was normal to me (suck me, ride me) so I let her tie me up. After I was tied up she asked me to try to break free and offered a reward to me if I could. She said she would be back and if I wasn’t free then I would miss out on the reward.

She came back and stood at the door and stared at me. She then told me how I wasn’t going to be rewarded because I couldn’t get out. She then told me she was going to punish me. Long story short, she ended up sodomizing me with her vibrator. I must have said no a thousand times. I was crying and begging her to stop which in hindsight probably made it worse. I was anally fucked, then she tried to ride me but I couldn’t even get up. I was so broken emotionally and in pain physically. She then got very mad that I couldn’t get it up which was never a problem. I was beaten for a while. Then the vibrator again while being hit. It lasted about 6 or 7 hours but felt like it was a dozen. For a while she just left it in me while she went in the other room to watch TV.

It was mid day when she tied me up and had been dark for a few hours after it was over. I ended up falling asleep tied up. I think I just passed out more from exhaustion of trying to break free/get her to stop. I woke up and I was untied in bed by myself. …

I ended up calling the police, which was the best decision I had ever made. The second I called them she calmed down and started to behave. They got there pretty quickly. Of course once they were there she played the damsel in distress and claimed that I was beating her up and choking her, etc. I told the cop everything that happened, which was embarrassing but worth it. They arrested her and she was jailed. … I had the option to press charges but ended up choosing not to after consulting with my lawyer.

Being raped has ruined my life for the time being.

2. “They said since it was a girl doing it to a guy, it was just ‘experimentation.'”

I’m a man. I was raped as a child. She was my cousin. About 15 or so, while I was four. I don’t remember a lot, either because I was so small or because I mentally blocked it, but I remember that she performed oral sex on me. Made me do the same to her. Stuck various things up my butt.

My mom called the police when I told her a few weeks later. They didn’t even investigate. They said since it was a girl doing it to a guy, it was just “experimentation.” Said it was okay.

3. “I thought, ‘Well, better to enjoy it than let it hurt me.'”

The way I lost my virginity could arguably be seen as rape.

She was stronger than I was at that age and there wasn’t much I could do about it.

I was turned on, but I really didn’t want it to happen.

But, happen it did.

It’s kind of interesting, in an abstract way, that your body can be aroused even though your rational mind is trying to find a way out of the situation.

… I basically reached a point where I could have been traumatized by it, but something just “clicked” and I thought, “Well, better to enjoy it than let it hurt me.”

4. “I repeatedly told her ‘no,’ but that didn’t matter.”

We had a huge fight and I told her I was done. If I even tried to restrain her a little I would have bruised her wrists and been in jail. I repeatedly told her “no,” but that didn’t matter. She wanted to “fix things.” I called the cops but they just asked her if she was OK and then left without doing anything.

Physically, yes, I could have gotten away but she was being very aggressive and after a close call I decided it wasn’t worth fighting over. I was not going to jail for this woman. I just laid there and let her do her thing. …

5. “Stated she was going to kill me.”

So for me it happened during the act. Actually it’s sorta complex. She started trying to suffocate me during, kept going. Had me in a situation where I couldn’t just overpower. Stated she was going to kill me. Kept fucking away at the other end while I started to suffocate properly. The physical pleasure remained intense while the mental trauma (which I didn’t understand the depth of for many days) was done, which set up very dark associations thereafter.

What I would say is at the time I was caught totally off guard. It changed me in that respect. I don’t relax around women in my bed anymore. Don’t trust them. Have full sex with many fewer than I could. Mainly because I bodily do not feel safe or relaxed with a guest. Totally changed me.

6. “I just kept telling her to no and shaking my head back and forth.”

I was 16 and heavily into drugs at that point in my life. …

I ended up at a buddy’s house with a couple other friends and had gotten pretty high. I was pretty much in the mindset that I just didn’t want to deal with my life right then. So I took a few hits of acid, smoked a lot of weed and had my fair share of drinks as well. I ended up just laying sprawled out on the floor in the downstairs rec room while everyone else was upstairs.

This guy’s stepsister evidently thought it was a good time to do what she wanted. She was a big girl and not saying this to be mean but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was at least twice my weight. I was so high I couldn’t muster the ability to get her off and away from me. I just kept telling her to no and shaking my head back and forth. Being on acid made the entire event pretty horrifying. Felt like I was being sucked into her and there was nothing I could do to save myself. …

The worst part of course was that I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone. We had had some police do a presentation on rape the year before in my health class. They had divided up the boys from the girls and had given a pretty in-depth presentation on it—they even touched on boys being raped—but only by men. They never even suggested that it was possible for women to take advantage of men. …

Traumatizing at the time. Confusing because of societal gender roles and standards forever after.

7. “It’s scary, and emotionally draining.”

It’s scary, and emotionally draining. I was confused, and felt pressured. Not only that, but living with the stigma that men should be strong and not be so weak is a struggle as well. So I kept it internally sealed for a long time. It is strange no matter how much you try not to think about it you do. You can have this great day, or get really happy then a flood of memories invade you of that moment, and you feel this dread that builds at the base of your stomach. Obviously I still struggle sometimes….

I was told once that there is a thing called a “fear boner” I guess that could be the explanation. I was disconnected not in sync with my body, my brain was in over drive mode. So it did its own thing.

8. “I did not want her, did not want that intimacy, it was a violation of my space, my grief, my mind.”

Well, I was (arguably) raped by my wife when she wanted a second child, and I did not… it was unpleasant in many ways. We’d lost our (original second) baby at birth, six months before, and were on the edge of divorce, and she wanted to keep me around. We had gone on a holiday. We barely spoke, she blamed me for the death. She’s not a nice person at the best of times, and this was one of the worst of times…

However, when she wants to be seductive, she is. Extraordinarily silky, and while my mind was trying to crawl out the back of my brain in a kind of numb disgust, my body was ready for action. Her on top, me pinned down, we conceived our second child.

At the time I was sure he wasn’t mine, that the insemination was cover for something else. That was an overpowering feeling, which went away when I got my kids DNA tested last year (my divorce lawyer’s advice), and found they are all mine. She was then, is still, pathologically unfaithful, so whether it was luck or planning that I fathered her kids, I can’t tell.

It is a horrid feeling when your body betrays you, whether it’s impotence or the opposite. I did not want her, did not want that intimacy, it was a violation of my space, my grief, my mind. It was a theft of my sperm, much like man-on-female rape is a theft of the woman’s precious sexuality.

9. “My Johnson was bleeding and terrible sore.”

Not good at all.

I really can’t get over it now. It’s been about 2 years since it happened even though she was my girlfriend and all it wasn’t anywhere good or pleasurable. I really don’t like to go in my detail, but I was 14 she would get off of me and she was going at it like a madman. She did her best to ignore me and at the same time restrain me. After it was all over she got off and just walked out with a smile on her face. My Johnson was bleeding and terrible sore.

Since that happened my fear of the opposite gender became a little stronger. Yea it’s a double whammy to be raped by something you fear.

I can’t think of anyone that would honestly have a clue to what happened to me that one night, but it’s all gone now. 16, raped and blinded by fear.

10. “I strongly, emphatically and repeatedly said ‘NO! STOP! NO MEANS NO!'”

I was raped by my ex girlfriend. We were both about 19-20. She tied me to the bed for a ‘teasing’ blowjob. Ok cool! But then she got on top of me even though I strongly, emphatically and repeatedly said ‘NO! STOP! NO MEANS NO!’ (this is what school/public safety infomercials taught me to do) But she didn’t care and she did a good job with the restraints. She got on top of me and rode me until I orgasmed against my will. I felt powerless and ashamed. I told some people but they kind of laughed it off. I think if gender roles were reversed it would’ve been taken more seriously.

11.“I froze, and just checked out in a dissociated state.”

Objectively, not terrible compared to other instances of abuse. Subjectively, it played on the abuse I went through as a child. Psychologically I wasn’t the mid 20s 6’1 220 pound dude present in the moment, I was that terrified 6 year old again. I froze, and just checked out in a dissociated state. I can’t really remember a timeline, but the images and sensations are burned in my mind. After effect was to effectively destroy any desire for sex or intimacy I may have had. Close to a decade later, still haven’t shaken it enough to try dating/etc. again.

12. “I just felt so defeated and I laid there like a corpse.”

I was 17 and dating a much older woman. She was batshit insane and I was depressed so I let things drag on for far too long, and through my clouded, depressed thoughts I realized I needed to break up with her if I wanted to get better. I went to her apartment to break up with her and she said that if I did she would kill herself. I was naive and fell for it and blamed myself for her deluded way of thinking and fell into her manipulations. She said she would kill herself if we didn’t fuck right then, to prove I still loved her and wanted her. I was young and thought that if I didn’t do this I’d essentially have someone’s blood on my hands. I couldn’t get it up naturally, but after awhile she got me erect and then she climbed on top of me. I just felt so defeated and I laid there like a corpse. She ground down on me for an hour, but it felt like forever. And even though I was much stronger and larger than her, she held my arms down. It hurt, and I winced with each downward movement she made. I just felt so apathetic and used and numb afterwards.

13. “She told me in no uncertain terms that I was ‘disgusting and worthless.'”

I was 10, she was 12 or 13. Most people I think would say “that’s not really rape because you were pretty much the same age, it was just sex” but thinking back about how she acted is not much different than you’d expect from the stereotypical child abuser.

Saying things like “you’re so mature because you are doing this” or “you can’t tell anyone or you’ll get in trouble” etc. sounds a lot like the grooming techniques you’d expect from a seasoned child abuser (and it probably was learned from that since she came from a bad family and was probably assaulted herself).

The thing is, it wasn’t the physical act of sex, oral, fingering, being poked and prodded as she experimented with me that did the damage, it was when it all ended she told me in no uncertain terms that I was “disgusting and worthless” and that she was “disgusted by the things I did to her”. This was someone I trusted more than almost anyone because I knew what we were doing was “wrong,” I just didn’t know it was her being an abuser and me a victim, I thought we were basically doing something together that was essentially illegal (I was 10, when an older kid told me something would get me in trouble it was like breaking the law to do it).

The lasting effects are pretty apparent in my life still.

14. “It is the worst feeling ever.”

I was too, by my ex, several times, spanning a period of around 3 months, then I finally had the courage to stop her, my current SO once made some jokes about it, and I couldn’t deal with it, it is something that leaves a scar forever, I was afraid, I know it might sound stupid but I used to think I deserved it, but nobody deserves it, it is the worst feeling ever….

15. “I’m made fun of by friends I confided in.”

Shitty. I’m made fun of by friends I confided in. I felt super conflicted since she was my ex-girlfriend and I was dating someone at the time so I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend and dating my ex again because I felt guilty. For some reference my ex is super aggressive and she’s surprisingly strong despite being tiny. Also I was super drunk and I’m a pacifist so I decided that if I fought back much I’d look like I was assaulting her. I don’t trust cops to begin with but if I called them and pushed her off of me and she got bruised in sure I’d be seen as the assailant there.

16. “Really messed me up for a long time.”

I guess I’ve had it happen twice.

I was 7 and my babysitter was 13. She was watching my friend and me at his family’s apartment. She got his family’s gun and made both of us perform sex acts on her and she performed oral sex on us. She said that if I didn’t do it, she’d shoot me.

When I was 19, I met a girl off of the Internet. She made me dinner and offered me wine. One glass of wine isn’t enough to get me buzzed and I’ve never really blacked out, but all I remember from that night is bits and pieces. Flashes, really. I know we had sex but I didn’t (and wouldn’t have) consented to it. I wasn’t into one-night stands at that time.

The thing as a kid didn’t affect me too much. The other one set me on a really dangerous path of random sex with random girls off of AOL chat rooms. Sure, it was fun and I got a lot of things behind me, but I was not in a healthy place mentally and emotionally. That really messed me up for a long time.

17. “I’ve been diagnosed with some amount of PTSD over the incident.”

When I was fourteen, one of the first times I had ever gotten high, I was with my brother and a few friends his age, so everyone was four or five years older than me.

One girl showed up after we had smoked, I presume she was sober. Anyway, when I got up to go into the bathroom in the basement, she followed me. Made me get down on the floor and got on top of me. I was incredibly out of it, couldn’t figure out why this was happening or how to stop it, despite the fact that I knew it felt terrible.

One of the worst things, that I don’t see mentioned much, is how you can feel betrayed by your own body. I didn’t want that, and yet had an erection anyway, because it’s not something you can consciously control.

After a while she got off me, and I laid there for a few minutes before I left the bathroom. She left the house before I was out. I never saw her again, and never told my brother what had happened, because I’ve always thought he would blame himself for her actions.

To this day I can’t remember what she looks like, or what her name was, or really any other identifying information that could possibly be useful.

I’ve been diagnosed with some amount of PTSD over the incident, and still haven’t really trusted anyone other than therapists or my wonderful SO to tell them. So as far as that went for my first sexual experience, it was pretty awful.

18. “I can say I’m angry and I hope that she burns.”

I was not a small man, and she was not large
I was not sober, she had not drunk much
I tried to roll away but I had no functional strength
She rode me and I just waited for the end
I didn’t finish, but I think she got hers
I can say I’m angry and I hope that she burns
That one day she faces what it feels to get hurt
Have your sense of security ripped out of your self-worth
Not know who your friends are and who you can trust
And get a nudge, a wink, a “how hard did you bust?”
But that’d just mean she meets someone as bad as her
And goes through what I went through, and learn not to care
I just can’t wish it on someone.
I just can’t.

So it goes.

19. “She would tell me ‘Good boy’ after I came, in that strange voice adults talk to kids, like I was a little kid eating his vegetables.”

I’ve been raped multiple times by different women in my life…. apparently I’m very… rapeable …. ?

I feel pretty indifferent about most of it. First there was the 19-year-old (male) step-cousin who made me blow him when I was like 5. I didn’t really care because I didn’t know what was going on, but it was mildly unpleasant just because dicks are kind of gross. He tried doing it again when I was a bit older and I refused, he tried to physically force me but I managed to get away. But now onto the women.

One of those times when I was six, his 15-year-old sister walked in on us and saw what was happening. Her solution was to ‘fix it’ by forcing me to eat her out/let her suck my dick, make out, etc. This went on for a few years, it wasn’t horrible but was pretty fucking strange. She told me I was her ‘practice boy’ so she could get good for her boyfriend.

Then there was that other time when I was 11 that my 40-year-old babysitter was taking care of me for the week while my mom was away, she decided to start coming into the bathtub and jerking me off every night. I think the strangest part was she would tell me ‘Good boy’ after I came, in that strange voice adults talk to kids, like I was a little kid eating his vegetables. I was old enough I knew it was bad, and she probably would have stopped if I asked, but fuck I had just recently started masturbating and it was honestly a lot nicer to just let her do it. Doesn’t make it right, but I wasn’t going to say no.

1.

Go to sleep without an alarm set for work in the morning.

2.

Turn off my kitchen light and walk slowly to my room in complete darkness.

3.

Go out with less than 30% battery on my phone.

4.

I “Like” old pictures on Facebook.

5.

I cook my TV dinners the total amount of time. None of that stop and take out and put back in nonsense.

6.

I do crossword puzzles and sudoku in pen. Get on my level.

7.

Sometimes, I watch Game of Thrones with my parents and siblings.

8.

I peel vegetables with the blade facing me.

9.

I’ll eat cake and cookie batter. Lick it right off the spoon, baby.

10.

Sometimes I wear white pants while I’m on my period.

11.

I swallow my fish oil tablets…without water.

12.

Sometimes I’ll flush the toilet as I’m taking a leak and try to finish before the toilet does.

13.

I stick my tongue out at strangers’ kids.

14.

Sometimes I tick the box before I’ve read the Terms and Conditions.

15.

I never hesitate in opening a bottle of soda.

16.

I pee in every shower I use. Friends, family, hotels. No shower is off-limits.

17.

Only look both ways ONCE before crossing the street.

18.

I give accounts of Major League Baseball games without the written consent of the league.

19.

Taking on yellow lights. They are the most fun I have in my days sometimes. Yeah, I’m a bad boy deal with it!

20.

I turn left on the “do not turn left” streets. Only at 3AM. Only when I am the only one on the road.

21.

I sometimes pull hard drives out of USB slots without safely dismounting them first. You know, like a badass.

22.

Sometimes when I’m really pushing the envelope I don’t even shake after I pee.

23.

I often eat Taco Bell in a traffic jam.

24.

I sometimes go in the “exit only” doors at the grocery stores. Also, sometimes at the gym, I don’t contact management when I spill my water. I just clean it up myself.

25.

Giving a fake name at Starbucks is pretty much the biggest adrenaline rush I have ever felt.

26.

I like to pour my milk first. Then my cereal.

27.

I sometimes eat a peanut or two out of the giant fucking peanut bin at grocery stores.

28.

I like to move peoples’ mailbox flags up so they all check their mail, even though sometimes they DON’T have mail.

29.

Use the highest fast-forward speed on my DVR.

30.

I love to stop the microwave with 00:01 left.

31.

I don’t arrange my pizza rolls in a circle on my plate.

32.

I set the TV volume to an odd number that is a not a multiple of five.

33.

Not using a bookmark because I am convinced that I can remember what page I was on.

34.

I wash, rinse, but don’t repeat.

35.

When I get to a place I don’t call my mom to say I arrived safely.

36.

I sometimes use a little too much hot sauce.

37.

When I have soup, I drag the spoon through the bowl towards me rather than away.

38.

I don’t wash my fruits and veggies. Ever.

39.

Sometimes when I go to poop I realize that there isn’t much toilet paper left but I continue anyways because I’m not going to let toilet paper tell me what to do.

40.

Sometimes I don’t keep the mandatory page of information regarding my allergy pills on me AT ALL TIMES.

41.

Sometimes I leave Starbucks with more Splenda packets than I need to properly sweeten the coffee I bought. I always find myself muttering “breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law” as I make my ninja-like escape from the front door.

42.

I don’t remove frilly toothpicks from sandwiches until the very last bite.

43.

Going 70 in a 65 zone. Fuck yeah.

44.

I sometimes cook bacon with my shirt off.

45.

When I eat Oreos I don’t always pull them apart to eat the cream filling first.

46.

Wash dishes without a plastic apron.

47.

Not check if my socks are inside-out.

48.

I completely close the bathroom door before I turn on the light.

49.

When I make a PB&J sandwich, i always add an extra glob of jelly, hoping it leaks from the sides.

50.

Fill up empties at McDonald’s. NO FUCKS GIVEN.

Come at me.

51.

Zoom in on Google Earth really fast. It feels like I am skydiving.

52.

I leave my cell phone on—even during starts and landings…

53.

Get a muffin and a cookie rather than a muffin and a pastry when the local supermarket does its 2-dollar deals at the end of the day. Psst … cookies aren’t included; I’m just off the fucking rails.

54.

I’ll lick a knife after slicing a piece of cake.

55.

When I turn the lights off in my basement I WALK up the stairs.

56.

Sleeping with socks on. Always living on the brink.

57.

Sometimes I eat my dessert with my dinner. Like, simultaneously. I am an adult, I do what I want.

58.

The other day I ate from a can that had a teeny dent bear the top. I’m amazed I survived.

59.

Brush my teeth with my dress shirt on.

60.

I roll down my window and stick the edge of my elbow out of the window.

61.

I cut my bagel as fast as I can and see how far I can get before chickening out and rotating it so I don’t slice my hand.

62.

Every Friday night I take my iPhone out of its case and use it that way for a few hours.

63.

My wife said my bedtime was 11. Sometimes I do not go to bed till 11:02

64.

I remove my automatic upvote from my submissions and comments once I post them.

65.

Go on Reddit when I should be working.

1.

Not really ashamed of it at all but I know a lot of people give me weird looks when I tell them that Peter Dinklage is on my celeb cheat list.

2.

The character, Mr. Bean. Ever since I was 5 (now 20 years old) I’ve had the biggest secret crush on him. I have told only 3 people about this crush so far and they all think I am a weirdo.

3.

Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Not quite ashamed, but it also doesn’t feel quite right…

4.

Raven from the Teen Titans. She’s animated, but damn she’s hot.

5.

Young Joseph Stalin.

6.

Joel from The Last of Us. His voice especially. Good. God.

7.

Friggin’ Jillian Michaels. She can probably beat my ass—but wanna just hold her. UNTIL SHE BREAKS MY HUG…..and my arms and my heart.

8.

Aladdin. (the animated one)

9.

Joan Cusack—ever since I saw Addams Family Values, I’ve just loved her weird face.

10.

Stephen Merchant—I don’t know why.

11.

A girlfriend of mine basically had her puberty triggered by Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park.

12.

Jax from Sons of Anarchy. I am a straight married male.

13.

Every Latin girl in Orange is the New Black, especially the Gothic one who loves Fleet Foxes and proper diction. Holy shit instant erection.

14.

Ke$ha. it’s the dollar sign in her name, the gratuitous amount of glitter at her shows, or how awesome she looked in timber.

15.

Steve Buscemi.

16.

David Bowie in Labyrinth. I was about 8 when I first saw that film; the ballroom scene basically initiated puberty.

17.

Maggie Gyllenhaal. One of my coworkers once said about her, “I’ve seen better heads on lettuce.”

18.

Alex Trebek.

19.

Jensen Ackles. No homo K, a little bit of homo. K, completely homo—and proud of it.

20.

Yolandi Visser and I am sure I am not alone.

21.

Bailey Jay, my penis is always confused when I see her.

22.

The candlestick, Lumiere, from Beauty and The Beast.

23.

Trevor from GTA 5 (and consequently the Canadian actor behind him).

24.

Kristen Schaal. That Weird Al video did it for me.

25.

Bill Clinton. I’m really upset about this.

26.

Just saw the latest Planet of the Apes movie. ::gulp:: Caesar. I’m so sorry.

27.

Martha Stewart. My friends say I should be ashamed, but I think it’s a good thing.

28.

Arya Stark from Game of Thrones. I mean, the actress.

29.

Macaulay Culkin. Also, Amon Goeth from Schindler’s List. You know, the Nazi.

30.

Lady Gaga. It’s like, I know she is Skeletor in a skin suit but I really want to hit that for some reason.

31.

Nebula from Guardians of Galaxy.
Idk, something about her eyes and structure.

32.

Casey Anthony.

33.

Zack Efron…I’m a guy…and I’m straight…

34.

Avril Lavigne. She seems talentless, materialistic, and bitchy but she arrived right in my imprinting phase and I’ve been in to tiny pale girls that wear makeup ever since.

35.

Hate to say it but I’m oddly attracted to Kris Jenner. She’s annoying as fuck but I have this assumption that she’s one of the freakiest MILFs out there.

36.

Octomom.

37.

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not that he’s not good-looking, but I just feel like people would give me flak for having a thing for The Governator. I mean, yes he’s older and is/was a womanizer, and comes off as kind of a cliché, but I always thought he has a very nice smile and pretty eyes. Cool hot dude.

38.

Jessica Rabbit was the epitome of sex to me as a kid.

39.

Anne from The Chase. Fuck knows how or why, I just am. Her demeanor & brain are probably what do it for me.

40.

Weird Al, since Running with Scissors. Lately though he’s everywhere, and he’s still fine! Those cheekbones.

41.

Due to my love of booty I would fuck a Kardashian even more retarded than she already is.

42.

Gordon Ramsay. He’s a complete dick but he’s got those baby blues.

43.

Tara Reid. I still get pants movement thinking about that line in Van Wilder where she says “What panties?”

44.

Kathy Bates.

45.

Steve-O. Doesn’t matter than I bet he smells like cabbage.

46.

The bass girl from School of Rock (I was like 11 when it came out, so go away Chris Hansen).

47.

I had a dream about Nikki Minaj once…she forced herself on me. I’ve never thought about her in my waking hours, but that night, while I was dreaming, she wasn’t half bad.

48.

When I saw Silence of the Lambs, If fell in love with Hannibal Lecter. The release of Hannibal did not help. Mmm lick that steering wheel ya fucking creep…

49.

Condoleezza Rice. (and I’m a female)

50.

Justin Bieber. (gay here) He’s a horrible person, but I would hate-fuck that smug little twink until he realized his place in the world.

51.

Bugs Bunny…when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny

52.

Straight male here, but I can smell what The Rock is cooking.

53.

Johnny Depp … I’m straight married guy.

54.

Courtney Love. I know she’s trashy, that’s what I love.

55.

Megyn Kelly from Fox News.

About as smart as a box of rocks, sure, but damn she’s hot.

56.

Chris Kattan. I’ve tried to make it go away but it wont, there’s something alluring about the guy and I don’t know what it is.

I definitely want the Mango.

57.

Benedict Cumberbatch. I know, I know, 70% of the time his photos are unnerving, and his fan base can be frightening, but whenever I see him onscreen I melt like an ice cube on a sunny sidewalk.

58.

Harley Quinn. My biggest shame is a cartoon character. Sigh. I’m normal I swear. She is just such a hot mix of sexy and crazy.

59.

Mickey Rourke. And not like, pre-boxing, total hottie Mickey Rourke. Messed up face, current-day Mickey Rourke. No idea why.

60.

Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes. I don’t identify as a furry, but I can totally see where they’re coming from if I decided to take this crush very seriously. He’s just so playful and intelligent and protective, and his tufts of hair on his chest and cheeks just seem to trigger my borderline fetish for chest hair and beards.

61.

Pitbull, as in the music guy. He’s so sleazy but I love it

62.

Amy Schumer. Not necessarily ashamed, but I find her beauty peculiar.

63.

When I was younger I really wanted to fuck the shit out of Molly Shannon. Cannot describe or understand why.

64.

When I was younger I was in love with Goliath from the show Gargoyles. I think it was his deep voice and strong calves that did it for me.

65.

Firstly, I love my girlfriend. I love all girls but I am obsessed with Brad Pitt. Fight Club Brad especially.

66.

I’ve been shunned many times for thinking Molly Ringwald was hot in The Breakfast Club.

67.

Governor Rick Perry. :(

68.

Sometimes Louie CK then he says something funny and I regret nothing.

69.

Vladmir Putin. :( It started as a joke because I used to have a lot of Russian joke images and stuff, so my friends began to tease me for loving Putin. Then I started collecting Putin images to play along with the joke except somewhere along the way the attraction became real….

70.

Dolores Umbridge. She’s definitely into some freaky shit.

71.

Deputy Clementine Johnson from Reno 911. The one with the cleavage.

72.

Animated : The chick from Hercules , Meg. Troubled girls are easy. IRL: Amanda Crew and Kat Dennings. Not sure what it is, but their quirkiness kills me.

73.

Celine Dion. Something about that extremely tight pulled back hair she has had junior high/high school me a little too happy

74.

Michelle Malkin. I don’t care for her political beliefs and can’t stand her when she talks. And I don’t think I can be around her for any period of time. But yeah, she’s hot.

75.

Oprah, I get turned on by money and Oprah.

76.

Larry David. Wait what am I saying, I am not ashamed, he is a god.

77.

Kimmi Gibler from Full House and Janice from Friends.

78.

Disney’s Rapunzel.

I’m a 31-year-old guy.

79.

Michelle Bachmann. Don’t act like power (over Tea Party nitwits) isn’t sexy.

80.

Lori Petty in Tank Girl, saw the movie when I was 15 right after it came out and had the biggest crush on her… My friends all thought that was weird and trashy.

81.

I have two. Both bring me shame. When I saw Narnia I found myself very attracted to the goat/man. The other is worse…Bin Laden.

82.

Betty White… Actually I’m not even ashamed, I just got a semi thinking of her.

83.

Chubby Seth Rogen’s got it goin on.

84.

I kinda hate myself for it but, man…I would pound Snooki like the fist of an angry god.

85.

Paula Deen. Jan Brewer. Take your pick.

86.

Danny Elfman. No matter how I look at him, I just think he’s hot. He was a musician I fell in love with for voice alone… I heard his songs before I ever saw his pictures and his voice was dead sexy to me. By the time I saw what he looked like, I was completely hooked. I’ve been told he looks creepy, and I do see that (it’s practically part of his trademark) but my brain doesn’t care x.x

87.

Gary Sinise.I have no idea why, as he’s such a weird-looking guy. But for some reason as a teenager when I saw him in Apollo 13, I found him attractive and now I can’t not see him that way.

88.

As a straight male. Paul Rudd.

89.

Rosalina from the Mario series.

90.

Kelly Osbourne. Not my best moment.

91.

….Flo from progressive commercials. I would hit dat ass so hard she would have to file a insurance claim.

92.

Adult Simba. You know, that cartoon lion.

93.

Huge nerd crush on Chris Pratt. I am male.

94.

Severus Snape…holy fuck the things I would let him do to me.

95.

Daphne from Scooby Doo, she was my first major crush as a child. I even remember coming up with a fictitious alter ego of mine which resembled Scooby Doo a lot and had some wolf characteristics and he basically had an innocent love affair with Daphne. I was basically lucid dreaming about him (or me, phrase it as you wish) lying down with Daphne and kissing. Now I realize I was into some weird shit.

96.

As a gay man, Mitt Romney. I didn’t vote for him, but I would love a roll in the hay with him. It’s that older businessman look I like. I’m also a sucker for men with salt and pepper hair.

97.

Sarah Palin…. Oh man she’s one crazy hot MILF, emphasis on crazy.

98.

Missy Elliot. I cannot help myself but it’s true. My wife doesn’t understand it, either, heh.

99.

Fictional: Lola Bunny

Non-Fictional: Patrick Stewart. I don’t know why.

100.

Ryan Gosling. I’m a man. But I’ve never met a man not attracted to him

101.

Andre the Giant.

102.

I wanna bang Chloe Grace Moretz and I’m not ashamed of it, though I probably should be.

103.

How has no one said Anderson Cooper? I’m a straight male, but I’d be re-evaluating just how straight if he was nearby.

104.

Rachel Maddow. I once had a dream about her and it wasn’t bad.

105.

Ashley from Hardcore Pawn…yeah…I know.

106.

Jenny McCarthy…. I know, I know the vaccine thing. But remember when she was on MTV?

107.

…Corey Feldman…I have no idea why, but that mouth does it for me…that came out a lot creepier than I intended for it to.

108.

I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show at 14 one Halloween. Tim Curry as Frankenfurter…omg. It caused seat-wetting.

109.

Not really ashamed, but I’d do Meryl Streep. She was hot back then and I think she’s still got some freak in her now. I watched her in The Devil Wears Prada, and I thought to myself, Meryl Streep is a damn fine, evil woman that can control my ass however she pleases.

110.

Literally Hitler. When I was 12-16 or thereabouts, he just seemed really bangin’.

111.

Tonya Harding. Looking at pics of her during the Winter Olympics, good lord! She was crazy-buff, and way cuter than that horse-toothed Kerrigan woman. Then Tonya got ridiculed, went away, and did celebrity boxing or something.

112.

Cher Lloyd that chavvy little slut. Marry me.

113.

Seth Green. When I tell people he has been my crush since middle school fifteen years ago they think I’m nuts.

114.

The temp worker on Office Space that teases Micheal Bolton … thick curvy redhead … that’s my kryptonite.

115.

The crazy doctor from American Horror Story Asylum. I found out he’s like 70 or something and I’m 18. It freaks me out a lot.

116.

Sigh. Gadget from Rescue Rangers. She’s everything I’d want in a woman, except she’s a cartoon rodent.

117.

I wanted to bone Penny Marshall before I knew what boning was. Whenever I would watch Laverne & Shirley as a kid, a great warm tingly feeling would inhabit my loins, causing an embarrassing little tent spike to protrude from my junior tighty whities. Sure Cindy whatsherface is much cuter, but I didn’t notice that until watching her eat French fries in American Graffiti much later in life. All I knew is I wanted to do things with that buck-toothed milk-and-Pepsi drinking bitch Laverne. Naked things.

118.

Bam Margera. Total douchebag, drug user, and all around horrible person. I know it’s wrong. But something about that hot mess makes me say aw yiss.

119.

Ugh, brainfart + too lazy to google it = Lead singer of Korn. Dude with dreadlocks? Sometimes wore a kilt? Something takes a part of me, indeed. I have no idea what he looks like now and I prefer him in 1999 where he belongs.

120.

John Travolta’s female character from Hairspray, was watching that movie and got a huge boner thinking it was a female.

121.

… Kovu. From the second Lion King. I’m a lesbian with no zoophilic tendencies but Disney artists drew a lion and made him hot and that isn’t okay.

122.

Ann Coulter … I would hate-fuck her into a permanent coma.

123.

Napoleon Dynamite.

124.

Die Antwoord’s girl partner. She looks like a slutty druggy type kind of like Iggy Azalea. Actually, I’m kind of ashamed to be attracted to her too.

125.

I can’t believe this hasn’t been said yet. Conan O’Brien. I have wanted to climb that ginger tree since I was 11/12. I saw his show being taped last year and was extremely turned on the whole time.

1. During my wedding.

I got a boner during my wedding ceremony. My wife was showing some serious cleavage, as were the bridesmaids. I’m talking diamond hard. Took almost the entire ceremony to go down. Thankfully, with the angle I was standing and my tux, it was mostly hidden.

2. Morning wood in front of mom.

I was on a trip one time which made me be in a car for 30 hours straight. I fell asleep, with my mom driving (I was in the passenger seat). When i woke up it was about 7 am, and as any other male, I had morning wood, which my mom happened to glance at. I covered it with a pillow, but it was rather awkward for a while.

3. “Mourning” wood at grandma’s funeral.

Oh boy. I feel like this is one of those things that girls just can’t understand, like how a guy just won’t ever fully understand what it’s like having a period. Here’s my best analogy.

Imagine, if you will, that when an attractive guy talked to you, your boobs doubled in size. You can’t control it, they just do it all by themselves, like how you can’t control your heart beating.

Now imagine you’re sitting front-row, at your grandmother’s funeral. This is a sad day. You loved your grandma, and now Nana’s in a casket three feet in front of you, about to be buried. You’re wearing a black dress, very modest, when you feel a twinge in your chest. Oh fuck, not now! You look down at your chest, and there it is, they twitched, they’re expanding. Fuck me, why the fuck is this happening now!?!? You cross your arms, hoping to shield the fact that your boobs are steadily increasing, getting too big for your bra and dress, except you just know that people can notice it. I mean, you are doing the most obvious movements possible that every girl does when her boobs double in size, the arms crossed, the leaning forward in your chair, the narrowing of the shoulders. You’re feeling extremely uncomfortable and acutely aware of a thousand imagined eyes on you, since your top blatantly no longer fits you. In the front row, of Nana’s funeral.

4. Boner selfie when I was 7.

More awkward for my parents than me. I was like seven and I remember getting a boner, but not knowing what it was. Then I saw a disposable camera on table that was left over from vacation and had an epiphany. Luckily I could only snap 1 pic because I didn’t understand winding the camera. My parents didn’t find out until they got the pictures back. They were mortified. TL:DR Anthony Wiener ain’t got shit on me.

5. When I hug my crying wife.

I tend to get an awkward boner when I hug my crying wife.

6. When I consoled a crying female friend.

Uh, I still feel horrible for this, but one time I was traveling with a female friend across Europe (she was in a long-term relationship with someone not with us (study abroad) and she ended up leaving an extremely expensive item on a bus. The bus drove off and she broke down in tears while I consoled her. Never have I been more aware or more ashamed of the sudden erection I had.

7. Out, damned boner!

Oh man, I’m well equipped for this. In my free time I do work with a theater, and as such I generally act or stage-manage. Well the last two plays I have voluntarily been in (Macbeth and The Doctor in Spite of Himself) I was leading role. Well, both of these plays have a lot of tongue-in-cheek sexuality within them, all of which is directed at or from the lead, ME. So both in Macbeth and in Doctor I was forced to stop wearing gym shorts during rehearsal due to myself presenting itself.

8. Income inequality gets me hard.

Giving a presentation on income inequality in America for English class last year. I got reeeeeaaallly close to the podium for a minute there for this reason.

9. Always on a train…

I don’t know why, but I get an erection every time I get on a train. 100% guaranteed.

10. …or a bus.

I always get one when I ride a bus. I don’t know why, I’m never thinking about sex or anything for that matter it just happens. I’m 31 years old and this has been happening since I was 13.

11. Nurse got me hard…

I got hit the groin by a hard hit grounder during practice in Little League. I collapsed in the appropriate “I just got hit in the balls” curled up position. The pain passed in time and all was well. Over time one my testicles got bigger then the other one. During a physical about two years later when I was 13 or so the doctor noticed it. I had done got me a hydrocele! Basically, fluid in the testicle. So another appointment with another doctor and off to surgery I go. So my mom kisses me on the head and says she’ll see me in recovery. This very attractive nurse comes into the area I’m lying down in and gets me prepped for surgery. She takes down my gown and starts prepping to shave me. The second she starts I cringe. “NOT NOW. Think of something. Nuns. Homework. Grandmas.” Nothing could stop it. Full mast in seconds. Those few seconds of silence as I wondered what to do about. She snickered and made jokes about it and went about her business. Not my finest hour.

12. …patient got me hard.

I’m a male nurse, and I work in an ER. About 9 months ago I had a female patient who came in with a kidney infection, and she was smokin’ hot in her early 20s. The ER doc wrote orders to give her an IM (intramuscular) injection of antibiotics, and to then discharge her with a prescription for oral antibiotics. For IM injections of 1 ml or less we give it in the deltoid, anything over 1 ml goes in the gluteus maximus (dat ass). This injection was 2 ml. I explained to her what I was going to do, and where I was going to do it. She kind of blushed, but then rolled over on her side and slid her jeans down to reveal the upper half of a fantastic butt cheek. I prepped her with an alcohol swab, gave the injection, and then applied a Band-Aid. By the time I was done I had a full-blown steamer. I made a hasty retreat stammering about going to get her discharge paperwork in order.

13. While hypnotized…in front of a crowd…on videotape.

It was my senior graduation party in high school. Just like any other graduation party we had a hypnotist, as he’s calling for volunteers he points towards my direction. I get excited as FUCK! I run up there SUPER-excited. The hypnotization goes on and about halfway (according to the video I watched of it, I don’t remember anything) you can see my “junk” start pitching a tent in my shorts in front of the whole audience. Laughs here and there in the audience start happening. (Still remember nothing.) Anyway, the hypnotist starts saying, you’re in a muscle competition, I want you all to stand up and show off your big muscles! So I stand up, boner raging as hard as can be. The tip is right on the zipper of my shorts, it’s practically bursting out as I am doing various flexes to the audience. I’m so glad I wasn’t fully conscious during this or I would’ve died of embarrassment.

14. Holy boner.

About the time I turned 18 I got together with this wonderful sweet innocent Christian girl. That isn’t me at all, I’m nasty and dirty and had been with nothing but sluts since freshman year, but I like a challenge. Anyways, its about our third date, this time its her place, parents are off doing whatever, dim light, were stock still next to each other on the couch, watching some lame-ass movie, her in her modest dress, and me in some ratty ass band T and ripped up pants (these come into play soon). So the nights going on fine, we’re laughing and even cuddling a bit. We have that moment, guys know that moment, where you’re looking in each other’s eyes, and you just can’t help yourself. I had wanted this from the moment I saw her, I couldn’t stop it. I gave this girl her first kiss but it sure as hell wasn’t the sweet little peck she was hoping for. I gripped the back of her hair and gave her a straight up sex kiss. 5 seconds in she rips away from me and my raging hard on is pitching a tent of my boxers and proudly displaying himself through a hole in my jeans. And this poor girl is MESMERIZED. Its like the holy fuckin’ Mary herself appeared in front of her. Its like she hadn’t even known such a thing EXISTED until then. I stammered something about a curfew, pushing my Johnson down and shuffling to the door. Never spoke to her again.

15. In a high-school yearbook photo.

I was the mascot for my high school (a wildcat) and during the yearbook photo shoot with the cheerleaders, I popped the biggest boner ever. I was only wearing boxers under the costume and if you look closely in the yearbook, there is 5 inches of proof.

“I think there’s something between us.” “That’s just my huge cock!”

16. A new world record for going limp.

I was laying on the couch with my friend (and by friend I mean this girl I was madly in love with). She kept playfully reaching up my shorts and playing with my now erect shaft. Suddenly her 3-year-old runs into the room out of nowhere and jumps onto my lap.

I think I set a new world record for going limp. But I had a look of sheer horror on my face for at least a millisecond.

17. Vanilla body spray does it for me every time.

I was working a few weeks ago and caught this vanilla body spray smell my girlfriend uses almost daily. I got a boner from the smell. When I turned around it was the new chick who just started that day. Awkward as fuck.

18. More visible than a black guy at a Nickelback concert.

Slow-dancing with a girl at my Senior prom… It was more visible than a black guy at a Nickelback concert….Or really anyone at a Nickelback concert.

19. MILFs at an amusement park.

I use to work at an amusement park. I worked in the kid rides often and lots of times there were MILFs. Holy smokes these MILFs were no joke.

So pretty much I gotten boners at wrong times and I was like “dammnit I got nowhere else to go!”

20. Painboner.

Every fucking day of junior high private school where we had to tuck in our collared shirts. Stand up once a boring class is over? Boner. Stand in front of the class for a presentation? Boner. Lay on the teacher’s desk for a health class demonstration? Boner. Sit across from the prettiest girl in your class who’s fond of crossing and recrossing her short-skirted legs? Painboner.

1.

Talking about exes too much!

2.

“I love you.”

3.

Recently went on a first date with a guy that whipped his penis out in a park and asked me to suck it. It was not a successful move.

4.

Using your phone! FFS those messages will still be there after the date.

5.

Complaining about the date. Unless you never want to date that person again, don’t complain about the time you spent with them.

6.

Girl said her parents were really pushing for grandchildren.

Check, please!

7.

RAPE: Religion, Abortion, Politics, and Economics.

Also, regular rape.

8.

Don’t talk incessantly about your cats as if they’re your kids. Also, don’t talk incessantly about your kids. Also don’t talk incessantly.

9.

• Talking about your exes

• Being rude to the waiter/bartender/sales clerk/etc.

• Not showering beforehand

• Excessive use of perfume or cologne

• Showing up late, or failing to show up, without so much as a text

• Not at least offering to pay

• Pressuring your date for sex, or acting like you’re entitled to any kind of sexual favors.

• Playing with your phone instead of having a conversation with your date

• Getting shit-faced

• Getting up on your soapbox and going on a rant

• Talking about marriage, moving in, kids, etc.

• Flirting with the waitress

• Bragging about how many people you’re seeing, and how lucky this person is that you’re giving them the time of day

• Wearing sloppy, schlumpy clothes. (Exception: you’re playing paintball or something)

10.

Don’t be late.

11.

I went on a first date with a guy that told me how bad an idea it was to clip his toenails in the shower. He went on to explain how once they are on the shower floor they become invisible and hurt when you step on them. He never wore socks with his shoes btw. I just pictured his shower filled with smelly toenail shards. The thought grossed me out so bad I thought he was trying to mess up the date on purpose.

12.

Probably repetitive racist/sexist/homophobic jokes. Saying you have “yellow fever” and that you “love Asians so much” isn’t going to make me respect you as a person.

13.

I went on a first date where he talked about his recent divorce, his drinking problem, and his therapy experience. Then he ended the date by asking if he could pay for half of his meal with food stamps. I noped the fuck out of there ASAP.

14.

If you’re riding in the car, just keep it on the radio at a low volume. Don’t play her whatever crap band you’re into at the moment. She isn’t going to care.

15.

I can think of some.

1.) Don’t talk religion or politics.

2.) Don’t bring a child, unless it was previously established that this is OK.

3.) Don’t be rude to anyone. (Your date, strangers, restaurant staff, etc.)

4.) Don’t be gross! Have some common decency! No purposeful burps or farts, no spitting, no talking with your mouth full, etc.

5.) Don’t discuss how much money you make. Don’t ask how much money your date makes.

6.) Don’t discuss a desire for marriage/children in this early stage. That’s a great way to scare someone off.

7.) Don’t expect sexual favors if this wasn’t previously discussed.

8.) Don’t text or answer/make phone calls unless it’s very important.

9.) Nobody likes a Gloomy Gus/Debbie Downer!!! Avoid negativity, complaining, crying, whining, etc.

10.) Don’t discuss anything too personal, serious, or gross. (Family problems, rather unpleasant health issues, bowel movements, money problems, sob stories, etc.)

16.

No I don’t want to accept Jesus as my savior, so please. That ended that date right there.

17.

Being rude to the waiter/waitress. Of course, this is always a no-no, but especially on the first date. You might be a good person having a bad day, but I don’t know you well enough yet to understand that.

Also, leaving a shitty tip when the service is fine. I’m not offended by splitting the bill, but if I notice you left <15% on whatever amount you paid in a restaurant, I'm going to think less of you.

18.

Talking about an Ex.

Being negative.

Being a cheapskate.

Staring at her cleavage.

Bringing up marriage/babies.

Getting wasted. Then driving.

19.

Crying.

20.

Definitely turned off by guys (or girls) who make too physical of a move the first date. I know this all depends on how the date is going and the nature of the date. But if the person is too handsy or refers to having sex with me at inappropriate times, I am very turned off because now I have mentally filed you away as a creep.

21.

Assuming that your date is interested in a long-term relationship. Don’t try to make plans beyond seeing if they might like to go out again.

22.

Perhaps don’t talk about your depression, Prozac usage, past with suicidal thoughts, difficulty holding a job, and other topics one should ease into while driving 10-15 mph under the speed limit on a major highway in the fast lane. Then when we get to the restaurant, don’t ask her to “sit on your lap” while waiting to be seated. When seated, sit across from her, not awkwardly next to her. On the drive home don’t force her to awkwardly lay on your shoulder by pulling her down onto you because she is holding her purse so she wouldn’t have to hold your hand which you were attempting to force into hers while again driving 10-15mph under the speed limit in the fast lane.

After the first date, which sucked by the way, don’t call her every day and assume she has become your girlfriend.

P.S. I’ve struggled with depression too, I just don’t talk about it on a first date within minutes of meeting one another. This is not a bash on those who have struggled. Just this guy.

23.

From very bad dates (from a male’s experience):

• Talking about your ex or relationship history more than once.

• Not saying anything. If I have to talk all the time, there will not be a second date.

• Going on about religion or politics (unless you happen to match my own beliefs).

• Being completely stuck up and self-absorbed.

• A friend of mine went on a date with some random dude and rather than put on music on their drive to the restaurant, he put on a recording of his favorite sermon. That was a bad move.

24.

Not reaching for your own money; let me decide if I want to cover it or not. Don’t expect it. It’s frustrating how many times people claim to have left their money at home on a first date.

25.

Bringing a friend along.

So this guy and I have been talking for a couple of weeks and he’s been busy since he was going to go on a long business trip so he hasn’t been able to take me on a date until after he got back from visiting his family.

The day we were supposed to go on a date, I found out that his roommate invited himself (guy was a big douchebag), so I invited my male best friend.

My “date” kept on insisting it was a date but I told him that it was called hanging out since it wasn’t just the two of us, and not even a double date. I was upset and couldn’t contribute much to the guy talk they were having, and my date was drinking throughout the whole thing.

He actually got mad at me for being upset and told me that I was the first girl to say he was a bad date.

Go figure.

26.

Asking the other person how they think the date is going so far. Just…so….awkward.

27.

Bringing your friend.

Nopenopenope.

28.

a few things:

1) bringing out your junk 2) taking them to see a movie with rape/torture in it (unless you know before that they are into that stuff but even then…careful) 3) trying to pay for everything 4) cracking A LOT of sex jokes….one ok…but 15…calm down, bud 5) talking about your pet/pets in such a way that you try and convince the other person that this animal is in fact a human being (i love my pets but there is a time and place for this sort of shit) 6) marriage/weddings/kids/future together 7) if you are a tech nerd you start talking about computers, unless you know she is into them bragging about your octocore processor is a no-no…just get up and walk away from the table as soon as you ask “so what kind of computer do you have?” 8) cell phones 9) cursing more than usual 10) farting

29.

Revealing that you have cats. People with multiple cats are crazy 100% of the time.

And don’t get defensive about your cats if they come up.

30.

My little sister called me about a week ago because some dickhead told her she was fat on their first date.

She isn’t fat and she isn’t even overweight. Guy was just trying to neg her. Tool.

31.

Don’t pay with a fucking gift card.

32.

Don’t be a total creep and doggy bag her leftovers if you go out to eat…..had a guy do this once.

33.

As it turned out, bring up the right to die movement wasn’t a good one.

34.

Asking how much money I am making or whether I own my apartment. any financial question is a NONO along with the ex story.

35.

Rubbing her tummy while saying “Soon, this will be plump with my seed.”

36.

Talk about “our future” together.

37.

Don’t say, “Are we boyfriend/girlfriend now?” You’re not going on a second date now.

38.

Just remember that your political viewpoints, religion, or other strong beliefs are like a penis. It’s OK to have one. It’s OK to be proud of it, but don’t whip it out in public, and especially don’t attempt to shove it down your date’s throat. Now that I think about it, you probably shouldn’t do that with your penis either.

39.

“Do you ever think about death and get sad?”

40.

Don’t tell me how awesome your mother is and that I should “totally go antiquing with her.”

41.

Being white but acting black….

42.

This date is McDonald’s.

43.

Dick pics/

44.

Just after we’ve introduced ourselves and sat down for dinner at a restaurant, order yourself a double shot of 151. Then just open up with how you’ve got a two-year-old and are 4 months pregnant, both kids the result of being raped by black men. And then explain how your ultraconservative parents wouldn’t allow you to get abortions and promised to help you raise the kids, but are now kicking you out of their house because you have a meth addiction, so you’re needing a man that can marry you and raise your kids like they’re his own.

I still can’t believe I didn’t just get up and walk out at that point, but I went ahead and acted like nothing was wrong for the next 2 hours and dropped her off after dinner and some billiards.

45.

Complimenting my breasts/guessing my bra size.

It’s actually not flattering at all. It’s creepy.

46.

One time, I went on a date with a guy who said my dog was ugly.

One time.

47.

I’m a dude. Don’t mention these things:

1.) How much you want kids

2.) How much your parents want grandkids

3.) What our wedding is going to be like

4.) Don’t discuss a temporary but gross illness or condition. I don’t need to know about your staph infection if it is permanently going away.

5.) Don’t talk about your expensive tastes. I’m not going to fund that shit.

6.) Don’t talk about how all men suck.

7.) Don’t talk endlessly about your ex. You might mention him, but I’m not interested in him.

The following are additional disqualifiers specific to me:

8.) Strong feminist views (what one might describe as “feminazi”)

9.) A history of mental illness or depression

10.) You have children? I’m out

11.) Permanent illness that is either genetic or crippling

12.) If you are divorced, I’m out

DO talk about these things.

1.) Talk about your goals.

2.) Talk about your job. Do you have a career? Are you just working to pay the bills? Do you love work or hate it? Either is really fine.

3.) Talk about charity work you like to do. That shit is hawt.

4.) Talk about your pets

5.) Talk about your family

6.) Talk about your friends

7.) Talk about your hobbies, what you do for fun

8.) Talk about local places, restaurants, clubs, etc that you like

9.) If you want me to go home with you, mention something special in your apartment that you really want to show me. That will cue me in that you want me in your place after the date.

10.) If you might want another date, try making hypothetical plans during the date. It gives us the opportunity to find something we both like without texting back and forth for hours. You can confirm those plans via text later.

1.

I don’t think any name is a 100% giveaway but I’ve met a lot of dumb Ashleys.

2.

Aiden. Jayden. Braiden. Caleb.

Every single person with one of these names is a literal baby. And there’s so many. I’ve seen/know of tons of babies with these names, but have never heard of an adult with one of these.

3.

Trent 9/10 is a douche.

4.

Richards are all dicks.

5.

Brandy—if you meet her, she’s either a redneck or was raised by rednecks. I live in a small town in Texas, 3000 people maybe, and I know at least 10 Brandys.

6.

Candi = Daddy issues.

7.

Every Nicole I’ve met seems to be a great person at first, but then they turn out to be complete bitches that think they’re right about everything.

I may or may not be a little angry…

8.

Idk, every Hannah I’ve ever met turned out to be a mega bitch.

9.

Kevin. It’s not just a name, it’s a diagnosis.

10.

I’ve yet to meet a Tiffany that I like, but I’m sure there are good ones out there.

11.

I know 4 Joes and they’re all 6 foot plus and ginger, I don’t know if this is some weird coincidence or a worldwide problem.

12.

Most Daves I’ve met are actually super fucking hot and witty and charm their way into knowing the intricacies of your genitalia and then don’t call you back until 3 months later cause they’ve been soooo busy with that merger.

…fuck you, Dave.

13.

Every Naomi I’ve met was kinda slutty. But you know what they say, Naomi backwards spells…

14.

John = a generally cool guy. Never met an unlikeable John.

15.

Chad. Not even trying to make a joke here, seriously all the Chads I’ve ever met are douchebags.

Edit: Same goes for Brett. Has anyone met a decent person named Brett? Because I sure haven’t.

16.

Whitney = raging fucking cunt.

17.

Every kid named Wayne is fucking crazy.

18.

Deb or Deborah. Middle-aged woman who frequents Wal-Mart and has a cat named snowball.

19.

I’ve never met a Jennifer who isn’t a bitch.

20.

Steve. Every one I’ve met and heard of is a fucking asshole.

21.

Lindsey is always a slut. ALWAYS.

22.

Any name that ends in an “I” that should end in a “y,” like Kelli or Staci or Jenni, always a slut.

23.

I’ve never seen a Chaz that I didn’t want to punch in the face.

24.

Any girl’s name which starts with V:

• Victoria

• Vivian

• Vicky

• Vancy?

Is a vain, vindictive bitch.

25.

Every Brad I ever met has been someone’s crazy friend Brad.

26.

Keith. So boring. Sorry, Keith.

27.

I used to work in tech support.

It seems to me that anyone with the first name "Chase" is usually the type of idiot that makes you question whether it is a prank call.

NO, SIR, THE VIDEO CARD WILL NOT FIT IN YOUR LAPTOP!

28.

Erin is usually pretty chill.

Brittany is a fucking slut.

Megan 1 step classier than Brittany, still a slut.

Chad truly is a douche.

Danny is a pretty relaxed, well rounded individual.

Scott is an incredibly average white male who wears glasses more than half of the time. There is nothing unique about him.

Alex is unknowingly very good at most things he tries.

Brett/Brent/Brandon is an intellectual, conceited stoner who happens to play baseball.

Jeffrey is really fun to get drunk with.

Tommy/Timmy will always have a baby face.

Heather/Hillary will never be a shade darker than albino and is always cheery

29.

Sarah is really ditzy, but also usually pleasant and really hot. Sara is too, but not quite as ditzy. Something about that "h", I guess.

Catherine, Katherine, or any derivative thereof (Kate, Katie, Cat, Cathy) is fucking crazy. I’ve dated one of each—with a C and with a K—and each is more fucking insane than the other.

Max is quirky, nerdy, and probably a little awkward.

If your name is Liam you seriously just need to stop.

30.

I don’t know about others but any iteration of Katelynn, Katie, Caitlynn, etc. They’re bat shit crazy.

31.

I don’t know about others but any iteration of Katelynn, Katie, Caitlynn, etc. They’re bat shit crazy.

32.

Most (female) Jordans and Sam(antha)s have been all sorts of catty and mean. Also, Amber. Have yet to meet a nice one.

33.

Callies are always bouncy, cute, and excitable.

34.

Briannas are bitches, Omars smell and Marys are sluts.

35.

For a man, if he’s over 21, and he still uses the kid-version of his name:
i.e., Johnny, Tommy, Sammy, etc.
I can tell right away that he is an attention whore.

36.

Mackenzies are always two-faced.

37.

Sam is always the nicest guy in the room.

38.

Erin. Seriously … every one I’ve ever met was a complete cunt. The main one cried rape on a bunch of random dudes (all separately, at the same party) and even went as far as making police reports on two of them, before it all came out it was a lie.

FWIW, I don’t like any of the people she accused of rape either, so I’m neutral on the whole thing. But she’s a cunt and I hope she gets hit by a bread truck.

39.

Every Michelle I’ve ever met that I can remember has been fat.

Every single one.

40.

Paul is always almost in the friend circle, but is never invited to the fun stuff. Probably because he’s really dry and lacks unique traits.

41.

If your name is Maggie, you probably own a Lilly Pulitzer phone case and a Vera Bradley wallet.

42.

Every Gavin I’ve ever met has been a complete asshat.

43.

Any generic "hood" name. Like LaFonda or Sheniqua.

44.

Every single "Hunter" is 12 years old and is a HUGE dick. Seriously.

Hunter is the kid on Xbox live who has fucked your mom.

45.

Any girl names that end with a vowel sound like, "e" . They’re all daddy’s little girl and spoiled as fuck. Guys named Tyler are all douchebags. So are guys named Corey.

Joe is a cool dude. So is John.

46.

Sean: a decent dude who is aware of others people feelings. When they are mad at you they tell you "I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed."

Shawn: an arrogant douche.

Shaun: a quiet shy guy, who’s fun to get to know.

47.

Any names that end with I or y are slut names. Particularly the I.

Also Chucks or Chuckys are usually gross.

48.

I work with a Mercedes. Exactly what i pictured, Over-indulgent princess with a rich daddy to feed off, rather useless as a server.

49.

Every "Brenda" I’ve met is a total sarcastic whore mouthed spaz

50.

Spencer: a complete brat who most likely plays tennis.

51.

I am sure there are loads of exceptions but almost every Kevin I know is either stupid or has ADHD.

52.

Heather. Maybe it’s just the movie, but they all just happen to be SuperBitches.

53.

Every Brittany, Brit, or Britney I’ve ever met was either a whore or self-righteous Jesus freak. Fuck Brittany … she’s a cunt cake.

54.

I think I know 8 Kevins, and they’re all disgusting people.

55.

Britney is a spoiled brat.

Andrea is pretty cool most of the time.

Erica smokes a lot of pot.

Jacob likes to skateboard.

Female Alex is actually a dude.

Male Alex is actually a chick.

56.

Anyone named Zoë is pretty much stuck with being quirky.

57.

Robert is business as fuck.

58.

Girls named Sadie are definitely sexy.

59.

Never met a Jamal that wasn’t really stoned.

60.

Josh is always a bit of a schlump, a mench, overager…you get the picture. White collar, blue collar, whatever—the personality comes through every time.

61.

I’ve met several Wendy’s, and they’re all self-righteous know it all’s.

62.

If you’re a Stephanie you will either be insanely nice or insanely bitchy.

63.

Never met a Candace who didn’t have self esteem issues that made her dislike every other girl ever. Also backstabbing.

64.

Eliot. Eliot is usually a pompous douche.

65.

Kaelyn. I don’t give a shit how it’s spelled; she’s always dumb.

66.

I hate generalizing, but every Lauren I have ever met has been an arrogant bitch. That name is cursed.

67.

I hate generalizing, but every Lauren I have ever met has been an arrogant bitch. That name is cursed.

68.

Christian = really weird guys.

69.

Tiffany is 9/10 dumb ass or whore.

70.

Ask any public school teacher about Jason…

71.

If your name is Trixie, you’re probably a stripper.

72.

Angel is bitch from hell.

73.

Rileys have unmedicated ADHD.

Adam is always a piece of shit.

74.

Bianca.

…cunt.

75.

Never met a Connor I wasn’t envious of.

76.

Every Chris I know is s solid dude.

77.

Lexi’s are always hot (Lexi from Grey’s Anatomy, Lexi Belle)
I cannot think of ever seeing an ugly Lexi.
Alle Lena’s I know are smart, all Verenas are dumb. Theresas are weird, just like Thomas’.

78.

Holly is usually bit of a slut.

79.

Anthonys are assholes.

Everyone falls for a Jeff.

Brittney is always a dumb bitch.

Michael the arrogant sob that has everything handed to them

80.

Brody(ie?), Logan, and Troy are douchebags. Every single one. And Debbie always has the personality of a wet noodle

81.

Despite being one of the most common names for British girls, every Emily I know is either slutty or desperate and on the prowl for guys.

82.

All Betsys or Bettys are nice people.

83.

Every person named James is a dick.

84.

I know somebody named Brianna, but she goes by Bri. I called her Brianna one day and she said, "No, It’s Bri. Always Bri. Cus Brianna is a WHORE’S name!"

85.

Yet to meet a Jared I didn’t hate.

1. She smelled exactly like a foot.

She smelled exactly like a foot.

The sort of vinegary, spicy smell that feet can have if they’ve been in sweaty shoes for far too long—she smelled exactly like that.

Other than that she was lovely but never cleaned her dishes, but that’s a given in about 50% of roommates.

2. Wow, that’s really shitty.

One of my former college roommates was a little gay Mexican kid, and I mean all of that literally. He was pretty flamboyant and I’ve overheard him tell his friends about his sexual fantasies. That’s all I really knew about him. We didn’t talk much, except he said, “I should be back soon,” every time he left the house. I was watching a movie late at night. He comes downstairs, and says, “I should be back soon,” and leaves.

About an hour later he barges through the door, weeping and sobbing uncontrollably. It looked like he got beat up and pushed on the ground and covered in mud. He stands in the doorway just crying and barely breathing and then runs to the bathroom. I hear him cry in the shower for about 20 minutes. He finally comes out and starts the first conversation he’s ever had with me.

I-I met this guy online…and I went to go hook up with him in his truck. Wh-wh-when he was fucking me in the ass, I POOPED ALL OVER HIMMMM *sob *sniffle.

I honestly didn’t know what to do. So said what I normally say when people tell me about bad things that happen to them,

“Wow, that’s really shitty.”

He laughed a lot and went to bed. That was the first and only conversation we’ve ever had.

3. Deaf lesbians with bodily noises out the wazoo.

My husband and I have had a string of bad roommates. Finally, we’re in a place by ourselves and it’s heaven.

1) The deaf lesbians. You’d think they’d be quiet, right? Things would be nice and calm? NOPE. Bodily noises out the wazoo with no mind. Alarms going off for long periods of time even after we’d tell them. Loud moaning/grunting from the bathroom. And they loved drama. Every night we’d have to wonder what drama was in store for us. Did we somehow offend the cat? Are we keeping to ourselves too much? Did we not cook for them recently enough. Stupid shit. Every day. And if it wasn’t about us, it was hours of ranting about somebody else. Awful.

2) Then was the divorced hoarder lady. She moved in when we were on a trip. We came home and EVERY ROOM HAD HER SHIT IN IT. We had about a foot of walking room to get from the front door, through the kitchen, past the bathroom, and to our bed. Yes, she even filled up our room with her shit. Exercise equipment. A couch. Piles of clothes. Bags of plush toys. M&M collectible dispensers. Oh my. And then she tried to say that instead of paying rent, she’d just make us food. And while we were eating healthy, every thing she made was out of the freezer, carb heavy, dripping with grease and butter, great-for-the-soul-awful-for-the-body food.

3) But then. The sociopath. He would break into our room and stand over us while reading our texts. He deleted emails from potential employers because he didn’t want us to leave. He took pretty much all of our money. Would have endless “talks” with us about how we didn’t react positively enough to a TV show he liked or some other bullshit. We came home once and all of our pictures were turned down. Another time, he took all of his stuff from the common areas and locked it with a deadbolt in the spare bedroom. He’d stalk us at work to make sure we weren’t lying about where we were. When we made another friend, he became violent and broke my husband’s rib and tried to bite a chunk out of his arm. Then he made us an “I’m sorry” cake with a 5-page hand written letter apologizing for the first page and then spending the rest of it telling us that we made him do it. Good times.

So yes. Now we’re happily alone. No roommates. Ever. Ever. Again.

4. Vegan roommate was the biggest cunt I ever knew.

Vegan roommate.

All meat had to be triple-sealed at the BOTTOM of the fridge. Cooked or not. One time we put some cooked chicken at the top, wrapped in plastic wrap IN a container. He threw out all the food in the fridge claiming it was “tainted.”

Had a house BBQ, MASSIVE grill for everyone to use. He exclaims “Where is my grill for my stuff?”. We go “oh shit sorry, here we will crowd on one side and you have the whole other side (nothing was on the grill yet)”. He said we were fucking insane and stormed off.

He never called us by our names, we were all called “blood mouth” to him.

He was the biggest cunt I ever knew and I wish him the worst. Once time we slapped his food with a piece of steak when he wasn’t home (it was cooked, we aren’t insane). Before he moved out we just tried to give him the shits, we kept a jar of pigs blood in the fridge just cause we hated him. “Oi man, that’s our blood. I need it” – “What for blood mouth?” – “For putting on my mouth”. Every time he threw it out we got a bigger jar of it, soon the bottom of the fridge was just a blood vat.

It made him move out faster, there was much rejoicing.

5. “Chinese, Chinese, Chinese, FUCKING SHIT, Chinese, Chinese.”

I had a Chinese roommate (I’m American) who spoke perfect English, and was generally a really great guy. However, he would often play League of Legends until unholy hours of the night. He was always playing with Chinese friends of his, so naturally he spoke in Chinese. But, oddly, when something bad would happen in-game, he would loudly yell English expletives. So it’d be Chinese, Chinese, Chinese, FUCKING SHIT, Chinese, Chinese.

6. WORST PERSON EVER.

I had the worst roommate ever my freshman year of undergrad:

He was the BIGGEST slob ever. Things he would do:

1) Leave the floor covered in his filthy clothing. Like literally 1/3 of the floor covered in clothes.

2) He threw up one time (due to sickness, not alcohol) into a large pretzel jar. I later found it about a week later under his desk when I went to get some of MY pretzels. I flipped at him about that one.

3) He would eat ALL of my food—like a pound of cheese—in a day or so. Like, you can eat my food, but just ask and don’t eat more of it than I do.

4) He NEVER took out his trash, including when it contained week old, rotting food.

5) He would NEVER leave the room to go to classes or even eat (he’d just live off of my snacks). This included on the weekends, when I’d bring a girl back.

WORST PERSON EVER.

7. Homophobic woman-beating thief who also didn’t do his dishes.

Where do I begin, I’ll just paraphrase. He beat his girlfriend, he hit other women. He hit dogs. He believed homosexuality was a disease. He believed he was too intelligent to work as a server. He openly called gay people “faggots” to their faces. He didn’t pay the bills on time. He made a pile of dishes mid January and didn’t clean them until late April. He stole.

8. Girls can be so mean.

Roomies would ostracize me, pretend I wasn’t there and talk shit about me. Took pleasure in seeing me miserable. Played pranks on me, then blamed me for it. Told me I was lucky to have friends like them, no one else cared. Worst year of my life. I felt worthless. Girls can be so mean.

9. Jars full of piss.

I had a roommate who got a paranoid delusional junkie pregnant and let her move in with us for free. sarcasm She was great! /sarcasm

My ex-girlfriend had a roommate who kept jars full of piss. She went into his room one day to see what the smell was and his who room was full of them.

10. She was a pig.

She was a pig:

She bragged constantly about her sex life. An endless succession of guys would parade through the living room and in to her bedroom where they had noisy sex at all hours. More than once, two brothers (twins!) were on the menu.

She would “soak” food pans for days on end, never cleaning them. I ended up getting my own cookware that I kept in my room and piled her dirty pans in a box with her name on it.

My and our other roomie’s cats got fleas. We didn’t expect her to help pay for the fumigation but she refused to let us fumigate her room and stuff. She then continued letting the cats in to her room so we kept getting re-infested. Her reason for refusing was she didn’t want her bed out of commission for any amount of time in case she “needed something to fuck on.” This last is a direct quote she yelled at me from the driveway of the house, with kids and neighbors within earshot.

11. A desk drawer devoted to his fingernail clippings.

A desk drawer devoted to his fingernail clippings. I didn’t learn about it until the day he moved out. The pile was surprisingly huge.

12. He would grind his socks between his toes like a bad stripper grinds a shirt between their legs.

I guess I should put my story in here. I’ve been fortunate enough to have pretty good luck with roommates. Normally, just the usual stuff that I can deal with. This one though…

-Absolute slob. Was borderline morbidly obese and like I mentioned in a reply, would grind his socks between his toes like a bad stripper grinds a shirt between their legs. Like he had some kind of athlete’s foot and never bought any Lotrimin.

-Just reeked. All the time. I would borrow his car sometimes to run to the drug store if he was parked behind me. An SUV with empty McDonald’s bags everywhere. From the floor to the seat.

-Would do just the dumbest shit. Every decision he made regarding the house made no sense. Not a single thing.

-Like I said he was a slob. Instead of cleaning up after himself regularly, would let the shit pile gather up for two weeks then would go on a cleaning binge. One time, after one of these, he accused me of being dirty and said I needed to help out.

-Ended up trying to steal from me by lying about our cable bill. Also, he hadn’t paid it in like 3 months. When I found out, I told him I would be paying the company directly. When he found he went to his dads (our landlord) and must’ve whined cuz I got a text from my landlord about 45 min later saying he would be handling the cable and folding it into the rent. He also changed our online username/pw for looking at the account online and wouldn’t tell me.

-I worked in an home office taking calls in our basement. I deal with some very sensitive private information and can’t have people lurking about. He decided in the middle of my shift to start rearranging furniture down there. I told him it wasn’t the best time and he stormed off raging. This was despite the fact that I only worked 2-6 that day and was home the entire time.

Needless to say, I left and am at the folks’ place for the time being…

13. She made me sit there and listen to her cry into her beer while playing a John Denver album repeatedly.

I stayed with a woman who thought pepperonis grew on trees. She was a vegetarian, she thought. She kept her ex-boyfriend’s messages saved on her answering machine and would get drunk and listen to them a lot. One night it got her so worked up she made me sit there and listen to her cry into her beer while playing a John Denver album repeatedly. Then there was her cat. I’d wake up in the middle of the night sometimes to the heaviest weight on my chest then open my eyes just as it sneezed into my mouth. The dog was racist and got me in trouble with transsexual hookers a lot.

14. A bag of vomit in her closet.

My first college roommate turned out to be a bulimic and cutter. I found out by noticing the bloody tissues and … I shit you not … bag of vomit she kept in her closet. We even had our own bathroom attached!

1.

Autoplay videos. Hate that shit. I’ll avoid a website entirely because of that.

2.

The comment fields at the end of online new articles. Reading those is all too often an express train to weeping for civilization.

3.

Malware that attaches itself to Google Chrome and can’t easily be removed. “Oh my new search engine is ballsack.com….forever!”

4.

The pop-up window that comes up when you first click somewhere on a porn site. Just think of all the great things we could do with the time we save clicking the pop-up windows closed!

5.

BuzzFeed.

Just stop it, BuzzFeed. Just stop it.

6.

The letter E. It would be bautiful.

7.

TMZ.com.

8.

Perez Hilton and any other celebrity blogger that once did nothing but talk shit and now has the lamest blog ever because he’s such a fake priss cunt.

9.

Anything that comes in a list and talks about social interaction can go.

10.

Star Wars Kid. I think that would be a nice thing to do for that guy.

11.

Blue waffle.

12.

Can I delete social media as a whole? If so, I’d love to see what would happen.

13.

Revenge porn sites. Wouldn’t completely fix the problem, but still….Guys and gals, don’t be dicks if you have pics.

14.

Tumblr feminists/MRA bloggers.

15.

Duck Face.

16.

Instagram. I hate hashtags, selfies, and filters.

17.

Any site/blog/forum that glorifies anorexia. Seriously, just google "Pro Ana," that shit is horrifying.

18.

My old MySpace. I lost the email/password years and years ago, I even did the petition-to-remove thing they offer but no dice. My real name is on there. It’s embarrassing as fuck. The only good thing is that the last login was in 2005.

19.

Anything Kardashian.

20.

All of the anti-abortion and PETA posts. Don’t get me wrong, I hate animal abuse, but no one wants to see those pictures of dead animals or those pictures pro-life sites post of shredded fetus tacos. Not good for the heart…

21.

How has no one said the NSA? I for one would like to surf, exchange ideas, and watch porn without knowing that someone,somewhere has access to that and can bring it to light whenever it suits them.

22.

That Beyonce picture. It would be great to see her reaction when she realized her demands worked.

23.

3 guys 1 hammer. That doesn’t need to be here, it’s sick, twisted and disgusting.

24.

Nothing. Free speech, bitches!

25.

Any and all censorship. Where is your God now?

1.

Genitalia that never bleeds…unless you want it to…if that’s your thing.

2.

Public bathrooms with no lines.

3.

The feeling when you climb into freshly washed sheets after just shaving your legs.. excludes men who shave their legs of course.

4.

That feeling of freedom you get after you have un-stuck your nut sack from the inside of your leg when walking.

5.

The glory that is post-sex peeing when your penis is still all sensitive.

6.

Awkward, untimely boners.

7.

Taking off your bra and scratching your back after a long day. My god, there is nothing like it. The pleasure can, easily, make you curl your toes.

Evidence: am large-breasted.

8.

Swinging your dick around like a helicopter. It intimidates predators and protects against the evil eye.* *citation needed.

9.

How good it feels to have the clitoris rubbed, licked, etc. A clit has more nerve endings than a penis.

10.

Being able to piss in more places. on a road trip I once had to piss into a bottle because the driver wouldn’t stop. A lady would have pissed herself or pitched a fit. I was like, K, whatever & grabbed a bottle then threw it out the window.

11.

As a woman? Being able to use the dumb girl card. I’m not dumb but I’ve gotten out of speeding tickets, trouble at work, etc. I just "didn’t know."

12.

Orgasms by far much better as a woman. Ability to have an orgasm that lasts an hour or longer beats peeing anywhere.

13.

The ability to get out of almost anything and the occasional free food/drink just by unbuttoning the first two buttons. The magical wonders of the cleavage!

14.

I probably will never be bought a drink in a bar. This infuriates me.

15.

As a man, I am convinced that women randomly play with their boobs throughout the day. I know I would.

16.

Peeing your name in the snow.

17.

We can orgasm multiple times during sex.

It almost makes up for the whole bleeding for a week once a month thing.

Almost.

18.

This is more a social thing, but I think I’m lucky as a girl because I’m allowed more emotional expression.

19.

The unadulterated joy of violence. I think most women simply don’t understand how good it feels to get into a fistfight.

20.

Pooping is so much easier for women, because they can stick their hand in their vag (and then up against the anal wall) while constipated and the poop will slide right out.

Read this if you are confused.

21.

Having multiple sex partners, and only becoming more awesome. There’s no male equivalent of slut. The closest is pervert.

22.

Breastfeeding. It’s painful in the beginning, and it’s not that the physical feeling itself is that amazing. But it’s really cool to be able to feed your baby that way.

23.

Not having periods. I mean, seriously, I don’t have to dread any week outta the month. Nothing is going to happen. No period. Nothing. Just…I have a dick. It’s there. Woo! It’s not going to randomly hurt me. It just exists and occasionally points at things it likes. shrugs

24.

Women will never experience the crazy painful post-orgasm refractory period (the like 10 or so minutes before you can go again).

25.

Always being the bad guy when you politely reject a guy. You’ll get an onslaught of his buddies (and other women) giving you the evil eye and badmouthing you like you just came back from slaughtering a village of disabled children.

1. He tried to force me to wear a red wig.

Oh, yes. Blind date. This was years ago, but I won’t forget this guy. My well-meaning cousin set this one up. Was supposed to be a dinner and a movie date. Pretty typical stuff. He picks me up and looks mildly annoyed. I greet him happily and attempt to engage him conversation. He seems very distracted. We get to the restaurant, and he pulls this red wig from his back seat, and asks in complete seriousness if I’d wear it. I stare at him in confusion. No idea where this is going. He goes on to explain he’s trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous and has been telling everyone he’s dating a redhead. I’m a brunette. He was unhappy I wore my hair down as that would mean it would take longer to pin up under the wig. I step out of the car, walk to the bathroom in the restaurant, and call my friend who is my emergency bailout. She arrives, I get in her car and leave. Never saw him again.

2. He tried to make me take a Breathalyzer for him.

Beginning of the date actually… He picked me up, I got in the car and he passed me a Breathalyzer. He says, “I had some wine while I was waiting for you to come out, can you blow on this so I can start the car?”

I noped the fuck outta there. Oh, adventures on online dating.

3. He picked me up and said, "You really don’t look good."

It was more at the beginning of the date. He picked me up. The first thing he said to me was, “You really don’t look good. Can you go change?” I said, “Sure,” and went back inside, took off my makeup, put on my pajamas, and got out the take-out menus. A few minutes later he comes knocking at the door and seemed genuinely surprised that I didn’t want to continue the evening with him.

4. He revealed his plan to be fruitful and multiply.

He told me he wanted to have as many children possible with as many women as he could.

5. She told me about her multiple STDs.

Yup. She told me about her 3 STDs and how she tried to get preggers with some guy without him knowing. She told me this on the first date.

6. She was still obsessed with her ex-BF.

She only lasted about 10 minutes and wouldn’t stop talking about her ex-BF. How they shared a dog, how they ate lunch together every day, how he got her an awesome job, how he had a bunch of stuff in her basement…how he got off by peeing on her.

Welp…well, gotta go, work is calling me…yeah, my phone was on vibrate but it is an emergency or something.

7. He asked me to lose weight.

Yes. 33F, 3rd date. He was a 34M. On our walk to dinner, he directly asked if I “would be interested in losing weight” because he was sexually attracted to “the physique of tall and very thin models.” He even recommended several books and diet plans during this talk. So very nice of him.

I am 5’2″, 120lbs. Apparently, I need to buy one of those medieval stretching machines while I am at it.

Holy fuck. Nope. I kindly excused myself to the train before we got to the restaurant. I have since gotten about 10 emails apologizing and telling me about his daddy issues (I have ignored all). Wow. Just wow.

8. He tried slipping his hand up my skirt.

He was a nice guy, the date was going fine. Till half way through the movie, he tried to slip his hand up my skirt. Hadn’t even gotten to first base, tried skipping all the way to third. I got up, told him I was leaving, and he followed me out to the lobby, screaming at me for being a tease and a prude. Security stopped him and told him he needed to leave me alone or they’d call the police on him. Then one of the men working security asked how I was getting home. When I told him I had to walk, he convinced the theater manager to let someone drive me home. It all ended well, but the idiot was surprised that I said ‘no’ to a second date.

9. Mama’s boy.

He brought his mother.

10. I noped the fuck out of there.

Went on a date with a girl who freaked out on me in the car when I was describing my life in the state I had just moved from, screaming at me at one point that if I liked it so much that I should move back there. I sucked it up and went into the restaurant with her anyway. She proceeded to pound shots of tequila and ordered one of the most expensive items on the menu. I excused myself to the bathroom, noped the fuck out of there, and unplugged my phone from the wall while I went to watch Cowboy Bebop.

11. She tortured a waitress.

We went to grab some food before a film at a fish taco place in-between us. I ordered some tacos and a beer, she ordered some tacos, a water, a side of rice, and side of salsa.

So the meal comes and she just stared at it wide-eyed. The salsa was ON TOP of the rice. She looked at the waitress and really harshly said she ordered a side of rice and side of salsa. Fair enough, I guess, outside of the harsh bit, but the waitress took it back politely enough.

A few minutes later the waitress brings out the rice with a side of salsa and, again, she looked at the waitress and really harshly said she ordered a side of rice and a side of salsa. She noted that the kitchen had only just scooped the salsa off of the top of the rice, so she had it sent back.

Finally another rice and side of salsa come out from the kitchen. The waitress puts it down on the table very, very politely (I have no idea how she even managed that at this point), and asked the woman I was with if this was OK. The woman looked at it and said “This is perfect! Thank you!” and then immediately, and in front of the waitress, dumped the side of salsa on top of the rice.

I stood up and left.

TL;DR: Don’t go on a date with a nutter.

12. "Hannah? You mean like a cat?"

I had a girl out for lunch at Panera (first date, keeping things light) and we were trying to have a conversation. Emphasis on “trying.” She was drop-dead gorgeous but, Holy Helix! She was, and still is, the dumbest motherfucker I have ever met in my life. I couldn’t hardly talk to her about anything without her going “Huh?” and turning her head to the side. I snapped when I told her my mom’s name was Hannah and she responded, “Hannah? You mean like a cat?”
Understand, she had been saying shit like that for a solid hour. I’m not one to give up on anybody; I’ve gone on second dates with girls I had a rough first date with. She just kept roadblocking any attempt I had at conversation with her by saying dumb shit.

13. She bought meth from her ex-boyfriend during the date.

So I pick up a girl I work with (this past Saturday actually). When I get there I notice she is not acting like she normally did at work. She was super energetic (not a bad thing), her conversations were all over the place, she at one point was even talking to herself in the car, let out some pretty nasty farts, and crying over some problem she wouldn’t tell me about. We were supposed to be heading to a party at a friend’s apartment but she needed to go pick up something first. I was fine with this…until she told me what it was. When I finally convinced her to tell me what we were going to get she told me some crystal…crystal meth…and that we were picking it up from her ex-boyfriend who doesn’t want to meet me so I will have to park somewhere and let her walk to meet him. I played off how furious I was until I took her back to her house to brush her teeth because she had not done this yet, or put on make-up, or fixed her hair. As soon as we arrived at her house I told her I needed to leave, got the fuck out of there, and had a great night at that party. Haven’t spoken to her at work since.

14. He played "World of Warcraft" during the entire date.

Long story short: I was 22 and he was 28 and he asked me to meet him at “his” house as a halfway point to the restaurant. Turned out to be his parents. He wasn’t ready for the date because he was finishing up “work” on his laptop. After waiting 30 mins, found out he was playing WoW. Said he would finish up soon, waited another 20 mins and threatened to leave. He tried getting intimate, I asked for the bathroom to “freshen up.” Left and he called me 4 times within 5 mins asking where I went.

15. His bed had dinosaur sheets and an anime body pillow.

I’d been talking to this guy on a dating site for a while, and he certainly seemed cool enough, so I decided to go watch a movie at his house one night. When I got there, he was five inches shorter than described on his profile, and had a nerdy, high-pitched voice. Think Urkel, but not quite as bad. We walked into “his” house, which I quickly learned was actually his family’s home, and went to his downstairs bedroom. It was tiny, had no windows, and was COVERED in empty potato-chip bags and dirty clothes. You couldn’t see the floor. He also had dinosaur sheets on a twin bed, and one of those anime body pillows. I noped the fuck out.

16. On our first date while eating yogurt, he mapped out our entire future life together.

He was incredibly nice and smart when I met him online, and seemed super respectful—nothing odd at all. I agreed to meeting him on a date a few days later after messaging back and forth.

Everything is going good, we are having yogurt, when he suddenly breaks out telling me how we’re going to live our future, our future kids’ names, what we’re going to hang on the wall of our house, our wedding vows, our pet names, everything–down to how we’re going to make out that night after I agree to be his girlfriend. As nicely as I could, I told him that was super creepy and way too soon to be talking about that. Guy doesn’t think it’s odd at all.

I proceeded to nope out of there as fast as I could.

17. He wasn’t sure whether The X-Files was real.

He told me he’d been watching the X-Files obsessively because he couldn’t figure out if they were real or not.

18. She was suprised to know that salmon is a fish.

I stayed for the full date ’cause it was at my favorite place. She was so stupid, all she would talk about was how she ate salmon a lot and that’s why she had good hair; she said this 4 times. Then she told me in the way that made me think she only discovered this fact earlier that day, “Did you know salmon is a fish?!” I just kept nodding she would also say this 3 times like I didn’t believe her. Friends worked at the place and I tried so hard to get their attention to help me escape.

19. Red Flag Stage 5 Clinger Alert!!!

Went on a date with a girl I met online. We went to a county bar and it just so happened to be her birthday. She went with a few friends and I met them and they said we could have some 1-on-1 time to get to know each other. We picked out a booth in the corner of the bar and started talking. The ENTIRE time she had this sad depressed look on her face when she kept telling me she was fine. Finally about 30 minutes into forced conversation she starts crying. I asked again if everything was OK and she said she was fine she just gets emotional when she drinks. Her friends come to check on her and start giving me some shit asking what I did. She doesn’t tell them anything just keeps crying. I look like an asshole now and she said she needed to go to the bathroom to clean up. I close my tab and walk out of there as fast as I can. She text me asking where I went. I don’t respond. She then sends a novel of text to me saying how crazy she is and NEEDS someone to help her and that she will fuck me tonight if I come back. RED FLAG stage 5 clinger alert!!!

20. He told me, "I know you’re easy."

Went on a single date with a guy recently. He had been extremely nice, seemed smart and funny, I thought it would be a good thing.

When he showed up to pick me up he brought takeout and said he thought a movie night might be better. Honestly I was pretty fucking okay with this… But then when he came in he basically tried to get into my bedroom within the first ten seconds, and when I said no he goes, “Oh, c’mon, I’ve seen the stuff you used to post I know you’re easy!” I kicked him out, told him never to speak to me again, and am pretty much done dating for a while.

21. She had breath like Shrek’s swamp.

Yes. She had terrible breath. Like what you imagine Shrek’s swamp smells like.

22. He stuck his finger in my vagina, so I called the police.

He stuck his finger in my vagina. I went home. Police were called. Charges filed. Worst date ever.

23. She couldn’t put her phone down.

I went on a date with a friend of a friend. We went out to the beach, talked for quite a while, got some drinks, and were eating dinner. It seemed to be a real good time but she was always on her bloody mobile. I had made a couple funny comments based on high scores and other phone-related themes but she was either clueless, indifferent, or having a bad time. Midway through dinner, and in the middle of her text conversation with her “bestie,” I dropped a $20 on the table and told her to enjoy her texting.

My friend hit me up a couple days later and asked why I was a jerk to her. After I explained about the phone bit my friend laughed and said that was why her last boyfriend dumped her.

tl;dr walked out on a chick since she couldn’t put her phone down.

24. She used her friend’s pictures on her dating profile.

I walked out on a date when I realized that the girl I had contacted on OkCupid was not at all the girl who showed up. The girl who arrived was hugely, heavily morbidly obese and didn’t look anything like the photos on her profile. This wasn’t a matter of flattering angles or old pictures, it was a completely different girl. (Turns out, it was her friend.)

I noped out of there. It wasn’t the fact that she was overweight that caused me to leave (although, I’m not attracted to that. I did go on a date with a heavy girl that I had met on OkCupid because she was funny in messages and was honest, it just didn’t click at the date), it was the fact that she had so strongly lied on her profile and expected that to be a good way to start an honest relationship that caused me to bail. I told her the truth and left.

25. She served pizza rolls while wearing pajamas and playing around on Facebook.

We meet online. Chat for a day or two and decide to go out one night. I get dressed up, and drive out for what I think is to pick her up. I show up at her apartment and she looks like she just rolled out of bed. Still in pajamas too. I was gonna take her out to a nice restaurant but she told me she had pizza rolls in the oven. I spent the entire date on the couch petting her dog and watching Family Guy while she played around on Facebook. I pulled a “Aw, damn it’s late I got to get going. Got that work tomorrow and all that stuff..”

I got a text two days later from her saying it was fun and wanting to know if I wanted to come back next weekend. I felt bad but I just couldn’t go back again.

26. He told me he was "SOOOO CROSSFADED."

I walked out in the middle of a date. Normally I tough those fuckers out because I don’t like to pass judgment too quickly. But this asshole asked me to hold his weed (I’m not anti-weed, I smoke from time to time, it’s just I hardly knew him) just in case he got searched at this shitty ass show he made me go to. I told him no, and to just hide it in his waistband. 45 min later he comes back high as a fuckin kite, and confesses that he’s “SOOOO CROSSFADED” (*a term to describe being high and drunk for those who don’t know…)

I had my friend call me and bail me out. She came and got me and I got the hell away from him. Prick.

27. She was unhappy the sky wasn’t the right shade of blue.

It was the moment she said she was unhappy the sky wasn’t the right shade of blue. This came after a string of irrelevant complaints. Her drink was at a capacity she could enjoy it. I had bought her some perfume about a month earlier and she then told me on that date that the bottle wasn’t the right shape. But after the sky comment I got up, left some money for my drink on the table and walked away. Never looked back. Can’t be doing with people moaning about things that aren’t even problems.

1.

Smell amazing.

Not even just cologne. Did you know beard oil is a thing? It smells unbelievably good.

2.

I find men who are very masculine but briefly do something very feminine with their mouth, hands, or hips make my panties go full Niagara.

3.

Laugh hard.

I’m always put off by women that feel they need to contain themselves. Your sense of humor is a huge part of who you are; don’t hide it.

4.

When a guy rolls up his sleeves…something about the forearm.

5.

Show insight, intelligence or wit.

6.

Wear glasses and be a smart-ass jokester. Bonus points for doing both at the same time.

7.

Smile and be polite to you even if they don’t know you.

8.

We have this super-hot redhead at my work. But what makes her so attractive is that she is very nice to everyone regardless of what they look like or if they are above or below her as far as status.

That and she is funny…suuuuuper sexy when a girl is funny.

9.

Voice is huge. It can be an instant turn on or turnoff.

Smile. Nothing is more attractive on a woman than a smile.

10.

Little random acts of kindness that they don’t expect other people to notice.

Like helping others pick things up, smiling, or making silly faces at little kids as they pass, offering little words of encouragement to others. There’s so many.

It gets me every time.

11.

Be decisive.

My ex would never take charge or make a decision then afterwards would bitch, my current girlfriend often doesn’t even ask for my input before making a decision and I think it’s incredibly sexy.

To clarify, she usually only decides simple things without my input. Like where to eat, what movie to see, what to do on date nights, things like that.

12.

Black rim glasses. I know girls that wear them and they lose attractiveness as soon as they take them off.

13.

Having hair partially covering one of their eyes.

14.

Wink and smile when you’re busy and they walk past.

15.

When a girl pulls the hair out from her eyes and tucks it behind her ear.

16.

Wearing a dark suit and tie.

Protip: Suits do for straight women what skimpy lingerie does for straight men.

17.

When a girl looks back to take off her shoes on the beach.

18.

If she’s blonde and runs her hands through her hair in a slightly exasperated, I’m-tired-but-want-to-hide-it sort of way, I’m done. Like, in love 100% for like an hour. Probably means I’ll be too intimidated to talk to her, but yeah.

19.

Raise their eyebrows a little, like surprised/bemused. IDK. It makes my chest crumple a little.

20.

Throw their head back as they’re laughing really hard. When girls do it.

21.

When a Spanish girl calls me papi.

My pants will get ripped.

22.

Fuzzy, short, and blonde arm hair. I don’t know why, [but] when a girl has a little arm hair it kind of turns me on.

23.

Being unashamed to be vulnerable. That is hot.

24.

Guys who climb. Shirtless.

25.

The classic “once over” with a lip-bite at the end.

Example: http://i.imgur.com/usKGU8J.gif

1.

Pants/jeans that are too big, like not sagging but just too big. They make you look heavier than you actually are.

2.

White socks with dress pants.

3.

For balding guys, own your baldness. It can be sexy when done right, i.e., cropping/shaving your remaining hair into a very short style (see: Jason Statham).

Please don’t grow your remaining hair long and put it into a ponytail or comb-over or just leave it hanging there or whatever. Please. You’re not fooling anyone.

4.

Jeans that don’t fit right! I see men all the time wearing jeans that are too short or too wide to be flattering.

Please make sure your jeans are long enough!

5.

This is more for younger guys, but starter ‘staches and unruly/patchy beards. I get that you may feel pressure to or want to look manlier, but this is not the way to do it. If anything it brings attention to the fact that you can’t really grow facial hair yet. I know this is hair and not clothes, but I think your hair is a big part of your style. Edit: people keep replying that they’re older and still can’t grow beards, clean-shaven is a great look, guys! Also I doubt anyone would judge you by your lack of a beard, so don’t let it get to you!

6.

Wearing a beanie in warm weather. It makes you look like you smell bad.

7.

Wear a belt, wear a belt, wear a belt. We do not want to see your butt crack.

8.

Only one pattern at a time, boys. I know that you think your green plaid shirt and your red plaid shorts are both super-studly, but please only try to wear one of those pieces at a time.

9.

Not wearing a three-wolf moon T-shirt.

10.

Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!!!!!!!

11.

The wrong tie length. The tip of the tie should hit the upper edge of the belt.

A tie that is too short or too long will make you look like you don’t know what you are doing.

12.

Sandals with socks.

13.

No Crocs ever. In any form. There is absolutely nothing worse.

Also if you have a beard keep it groomed and lined up!

14.

Get your hair cut at a salon and take care of your facial hair.

Use deodorant or some kind of cologne daily. DAILY, JERRY. There’s a lot to be said about a good-smelling guy. Could get me in bed with him or at least make him more attractive in my eyes.

Brush your teeth, and good lord, use mouthwash. Every bit of hygiene will get you a looooong way.

I shouldn’t even have to mention how to wear a baseball cap or what to do with the sticker on it.

Try to have more than just basic T-shirts. Go for a nice polo or button-down once in a while. Cleaning up your image makes yourself that much more presentable as a future husband. So keep that up.

Do something with your hair. If it’s too short to do anything, good, just make sure it looks like a neat, modern haircut. If it’s a little longer don’t be afraid to use a little product to give it some bounce. I’m not saying a lot of product, just a little bit of gel or foam to get it a little perky or working the way you want it to work.

If you’re wearing socks with sandals, pls stahp.

Be presentable, ESPECIALLY at dinner with a chick. Clean shave, etc. I’m talking some kind of button-down shirt with a nice pair of pants. Any kind of pants, you can PICK the pants (ITT: no cargo) but just have them look nice, stainless.

And if you just got off of work and specifically work at a food place, please shower. You smell like onions. (Had to get a boyfriend to shower when he got back from work and he caught on after a while…the smell was overwhelming. And I GET that, I worked at Subway for 2 years, I just didn’t smell anything after work at that point so sometimes people need a nudge in the right direction.)

TIP: You could be hideous, but if you smell nice, your attractiveness goes up at least plus 2. Add a good ensemble to that and you’re at worst a 4. Get your nice personality up and you’re already at a 6, even without winning the genetic lottery.

Last, be confident. If you can’t be confident, fake confidence. I can tell you from personal experience that after 6 years of faking confidence from middle school on, I am now one of the most confident people I know (even when I have my bouts of insecurities, as we all do). I’m social and outgoing and I couldn’t do it without telling myself I deserve a happy, fulfilling life. So get that smile up there (your wardrobe isn’t complete without it) and go fool some people.

I can’t think of any more fashion advice at the moment, but I hope this helps some dudes in the attracting the ladies (or other dudes, I don’t judge) department.

15.

Wearing socks with sandals. Tucking tee shirts into your jeans. Not tucking your dress shirt into your slacks. Thinking Spencer’s shirts are appropriate to wear on date night. Wearing a sleeveless undershirt with no shirt over it. Wearing a nice button-up shirt with no undershirt. Wearing fedoras with band shirts. And the baggy pants/cocked hat combo is stupid and makes everyone who does it look like a douche.

16.

So, I haven’t seen anyone here say it yet, and I hope most men know this by now at least, but I have still seen men (and some women, but this is about men) wearing front pleated pants.

No. Just no. Your crotch looks like an accordion.

17.

For the younger guys, I get that fitted caps are considered "in style" on certain fronts, but at the very least take off those stupid stickers that say the size and "certify" it. You look absolutely ridiculous.

Also mismatching patterns and prints. If you’re wearing a red plaid button-down, you can’t wear blue plaid shorts. Stripes and plaid are also out of the question. Sometimes you can make certain patterns match, but if you’re reading this thread, you’re probably not advanced enough to do that. So just stick to one pattern and the rest solids.

18.

Healthy disclaimer: don’t try too hard. Overdressing or clearly putting in way past reasonable amounts of effort in your appearance just makes you look like a tool.

19.

IDK if this is about fashion per se, but I find it extremely off-putting when a man always has dirt under his fingernails/toenails. I understand if your job deals with dirt, but I shouldn’t be able to describe you as perpetually dirty.

20.

Late to the party, but polo shirts are atrocious. It might just be me, but I hate them. Also, 9/10 long hair is awful on a man and ponytails are always bad.

21.

KILL THE FEDORAS. ALL OF THEM.

22.

Tube socks and shorts.

23.

Black shoes. White sport socks. Black pants.

Unless your initials are M.J., cut that shit out.

24.

Cargo pants and man sandals.

25.

Guys who wear striped tops and plaid shorts need to know that those two patterns do not go together!

26.

Wearing running shoes with anything other than running clothes right before going running. Never ever wear running shoes if you’re not about to go running.

27.

Short-sleeve dress shirts with a tie. Just don’t do this.

28.

How about those retarded flat-brim baseball caps that are tilted jussssssst right? Please let those be a faux pas that can finally die off.

29.

Based solely off my observations of male fashion:

Cargo shorts are fine if they actually fit. Too tight/loose and you look bad. Blue jean cargos are a no though. Khaki variations can look okay.

Shorts should end around the knee. All shorts have an allowance of 2" up or down based on personal preference.

Complement your socks to your slacks and your shoes to your belt.

Tie tacks exist for a reason.

A nice leather wallet is a good investment.

Comb/brush hair on your head and face, including eyebrows.

Don’t wear a light-colored shirt with light-colored jeans and don’t wear light-colored tennis shoes with light-colored jeans.

Practice proper grooming habits, like conditioning your hair and beard, moisturizing your face, and trimming hair/beard/eyebrows.

Long socks with shorts isn’t okay, pulled up or not. Low profile/no show socks are great.

Baseball caps look stupid backwards, flat bills are for wannabe thugs, and fedoras are so far out of fashion you should just leave them be. A properly fitted baseball cap with a rounded bill that frames your face can look very nice.

If it doesn’t fit, get it tailored. If it’s far too big or small, give it away/don’t buy it. A good pair of men’s jeans fit comfortably (not loose or tight) in the hips, slightly hug the ass, and offer just enough looseness to see thighs without being tight.

If you’re a man of heft, don’t wear light-colored jeans. Darker jeans help create a slimming silhouette, but don’t venture too deep into black, which looks better on very small men over larger men.

Slim men, meet slim fit, it was literally designed for you.

Dark and medium browns on black doesn’t look good. It clashes, though camel, caramel, and taupe in small doses look okay. Feel free to play with these colors based on skin tone.

Wear shirts that look good with your skin tone, hair color, and eye color. My boyfriend looks good in jewel tones, though some men look better in other palettes.

My boyfriend isn’t the best dresser and is constantly looking to me to help improve his wardrobe and personal style. This is what I’ve observed with him and many other men. You don’t have to agree with me. The beauty of men’s style is that it is simple to avoid trends and stay classically well dressed.

30.

Wearing athletic shorts/sweat pants to the strip club.

31.

I feel really confounded when a guy wears skinny/fitted jeans and still attempts to sag. I mean, sagging in general is kind of lame, but it looks completely stupid when your jeans fit your legs and are only sagging on the ass.

32.

Camo. Camo everywhere you go. We get it, you LOVE hunting. I love scuba diving, but I’ll be damned if I wear neoprene everywhere.

33.

If you have long hair… Please wash your hair. You may not be able to smell that you haven’t showered in four days but everyone else around you can. Really, however you want to dress if it makes you feel hip is up to you but it’s a good idea to invest in a nice pair of shoes, slacks and shirt. You don’t have to spend a lot either, head to a Goodwill it’s amazing how many nice genuine leather men shoes end up there.

34.

Please trim your toenails. There was a man standing in front of me at the store and his toenails were so long they curled forward over the fronts of his toes. They were thick, yellow, and gnarly. I almost heaved.

35.

My boyfriend will wear a long-sleeve shirt with shorts. PICK A SEASON.

Edit: And I don’t mean like a baseball tee or something. I mean long-sleeve pearl snap shirt.

36.

Only owning 3 pairs of blue jeans, all the same shade blue. And 6 or 7 very similar T-shirts. Expand your wardrobe!

37.

Brown shoes. Dark pants.

38.

Fedoras. Don’t wear them. Ever. /EVER./

39.

Jean shorts, a.k.a. jorts. Those are a huge turnoff. Thinking of them makes me cringe.

40.

K so,

• Those beige knee-length shorts with massive pockets on the side.

DC shoes/T-shirts.

• Clothes that are too big.

• Jeans with glitter on them or any kind of shiny stones.

• Plaid shorts.

• Monster energy caps/T-shirts/anything.

• T-SHIRTS WITH NAKED/HALF NAKED WOMEN ON THEM. They’re the ultimate clothing accessory if you want to look like a douche who’d use girls as sex objects.

• Sandals with socks.

• Coats that look like bin bags.

• Hair that makes you look like a paintbrush.

• FEDORAS.

• YMCMB clothing. Or anything with Swag written on it.

• Fluorescent green clothing, unless it’s for sports.

41.

Khaki pants with a khaki shirt. Are you going on safari? My fiancé never realized he looked like the crocodile hunter until I pointed it out to him one day.

42.

Striped shirts with plaid shorts. I see that combo entirely too often and it’s heinous. One guy tried to rationalize it with, "But stripes are half of plaid!"

No. Just no.

43.

Man buns/topknots. I guess technically it’s fashionable…it shouldn’t be.

44.

I can’t speak for every gal but I can say those chatchi jeans with tons of rips and white faded patches just seem too Jersey Shore to be attractive. I also way dislike baggy clothes, T-shirts tucked into pants, diaper butt jeans, too many patterns on pattern, stains/rips/worn to the last inch of use clothing and shoes, and lastly vulgar T-shirt messages.

45.

Wearing sunglasses on back of your head. OMG. You look like a douche bag -_-#

46.

My mom of all people told me this one. Belt ALWAYS must match the color/material of your shoes. If you’re wearing brown leather boots (like I do) then have a thick, brown leather belt, not some dinky little dress belt. But also if you’re wearing classy shoes, with nice pants, but are wearing some thick ridiculous belt, you look stupid.

Also a belt buckle should have little to no color on it.

Finally, please don’t wear a cowboy hat, unless it fits the outfit. Strolling down the street in shorts and a T-shirt and vans on, with a cowboy hat makes you looking like a fucking idiot.

47.

Thank you for asking this ya know what I hate … Bucket hats on guys or girls honestly … My friend and I set outside a local club while our bfs work and sooo many guys wear them to the club… Why?!?

48.

The whole cargo pants/shorts + graphic T-shirt + new balance sneakers with white socks or mandals with calf length white socks is a no go.

Also, wearing the same colored sweatpants and sweatshirt at the same time. It’s acceptable for a late-night snack run but please stop wearing that everywhere you go if it’s less than 40 degrees out.

1. "Fresh-Out-Of-The-Oven" tanning.

Being overly tanned. I’m sorry, but I don’t like your “fresh-out-of-the-oven” look. A bit of a tan, sure. But the result of hours of lying on a beach? Pass. That shit ain’t healthy for your skin, brodette.

2. Accessories with the word "princess," "bitch" or "juicy."

Wearing Playboy bunny or any clothing/ accessories that have the words princess, bitch, juicy, or any form of that is the female equivalence of a TapouT T-shirt or Ed Hardy clothing line.

3. Short hair.

I personally feel something like grief when a girl cuts her hair short. Beautiful long hair is often my favorite feature on a girl. When it’s suddenly just gone, I feel like it’s such a waste.

4. High-waisted pants.

High-waisted shorts/jeans/whatever other trousers exist in high-waisted variant.

Shit tattoos like the bog-standard Infinity symbol or a dandelion with birds flying off it, that kind of thing.

5. The GUNT/FUPA.

Having a GUNT.

6. Uggs.

Uggs, even brand new they give a sense of you having given up on your looks.

7. Appearing unhealthy.

Appearing unhealthy. This could be because of weight (too much or too little), complexion, hair, smoking cigarettes, just anything that makes you look like you might might die 5-30 years sooner than you probably should.

8. Shaved-and-Sharpied eyebrows.

When they shave their eyebrows off and paint them on with a Sharpie or whatever they use.

9. The Nasal bull ring.

Nose ring between both nostrils. I just can’t get the image of a bull out of my head.

10. Spray-on tans.

Spray-on tan that makes them look like the Oompa Loompas from the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

11. Dreadlocks.

Dreads. They look fucking filthy.

12. Pigtails.

Pigtails. NO ONE looks good in pigtails.

13. The "clown whore" look.

Clown whore makeup.

14. Butt-hole lips.

Using a darker lip liner. It creates butt hole lips. You talk and all I can do is fear that actual shit is going to come out of your mouth.

15. Lip injections.

There has never been one woman who looked better after having her lips pumped up. Ever.

16. Shaving designs onto their skulls.

Shaving designs on their head. That’s just a turnoff for me. I mean why do they have half bald and half hair? Make up your mind!

17. Corpse paint.

That face powder that makes their face totally white like a death mask.

18. Leopard spots.

Metal in your face. And wearing anything with leopard spots.

19. Shallowness, etc.

Too much makeup/perfume. Excessive facial piercing/facial tattoos. Over-tanned/carrot complexion. Fake nails. Weaves. Gaudy, branded clothing with pink and juicy on them. Body odor. Facial hair. Greasy skin. Glitter. Dreads/plaited hair. Drawn eyebrows. Fake/nonexistent personalities. No knowledge of world events. Shallowness.

20. Crusty, bacteria-ridden piercings.

Fucking gauges in their ears and dermal piercings anywhere on the face. Gross, not only do your ears smell like hot garbage but those things on your face are just waiting for some bacteria to get beneath them. Also, nipple piercings are kinda gross, too. Even when properly cared for they still get nasty little crusty bits of dead skin and bacteria on them.

21. The "wet dog" hairstyle.

When they go for the “wet dog” hairstyle reminiscent of Coming to America‘s Soul Glow hair product.

22. Obsessing over their nails.

Painting their nails.

It’s actually not unattractive, but it’s just that they spend so much time and money to do it and I don’t think guys care about it at all. I mean as long as they don’t look hideous, that’s fine with me. I wonder, though, how many girls would stop doing it if guys told then it didn’t matter one way or the other. I guess they just like it or think it looks pretty or it’s just a girl thing.

23. Looking slutty.

Honestly, looking slutty just kind of kills it for me. On occasion in the bedroom I might like it, but in public when you’re wearing shorts so short your ass hangs out and a shirt showing half your bra, it just kills it for me.

24. Sloppy buns while wearing sweatpants and Ugg boots.

That gross like, sloppy bun thing white girls do in their sweatpants and Ugg boots. Directly on the top of their heads, making them look like a retarded Teletubby or something. I hate that so much. I understand the laziness, boy do I, but its become a fashion thing now and it is just plain not attractive.

25. Accessorizing while obese.

It is the height of disgusting when a fat, or just out of shape, girl clearly spends ridiculous amounts of time on makeup and accessorizing. She could spend half that time exercising and be physically AND mentally more attractive.

26. Tons of makeup.

A shitload of makeup. Mascara and the lighter makeup is fine, but once you move on to the baboon-ass red lipstick with the blueballs-colored eye shadow, I assume you are trying to signal airplanes to land on your rosy, glitter-infused cheeks.

27. DayGlo hair dye.

If you are old enough to drink, you’re too old to dye your hair neon pink, blue, or purple. Besides saying to me that you would be impossible to hold a decent conversation with, it also says to me that you don’t have a job with any growth potential, that you’re just waiting so you don’t have to have that whole “work responsibility” anymore.

28. A whole list of mistakes.

Here is my list off the top of my head:

Wear pants or shorts with a really high waist. Totally not sexy. It’s like what middle-aged moms wore in the 80s and still own and wear today in their 60s to work in the garden…ew.

Wear their hair in a top bun thingy…just makes you look like a weird alien balancing something on your head.

Wearing really red lipstick It’s just weird. And you just look like some weird Ronald McDonald chick; 99% of women don’t have the right skin/hair/face/ shade of red combination to pull it off. Pink or something soft looks even hotter, without making my body have a fight-or-flight response to your face.

Wearing a poncho/shoulder blanket thingy, no matter what it’s made of or how decorative it looks, you look like a lesbian art teacher.

Wearing a vest. Unless you’re trying to look like a lesbian, you’re just making yourself look like a dude. Not hot.

Wearing a plaid shirt and thinking you are, or look, “country”; you don’t and you’re only fooling yourselves.

Also super-long fingernails are fucking creepy. Even if they’re painted or fake. Past a 1/4 inch 7mm and they just look wtf Like I don’t wanna know how much dirt is under there or how your wipe your ass with out them touching it…

29. Doesn’t matter.

No point in even saying. It will just make them angry and they won’t do what we suggest anyway.

Ladies, you need to print out this list and tape it to your headboard.

1. Our ears are ultra-sensitive to the touch.

Whether you breathe, moan, nibble, or lick our ears, you are tapping into a pleasure zone that you didn’t even know existed until I just told you. Fog up his ear with your hot, sultry breath, and he will have no choice but to immediately propose marriage to you.

2. So are our armpits.

Hopefully your man is into some serious manscaping, because otherwise his armpit area may resemble a dank, musty Panamanian jungle. But if it’s well-groomed and relatively clean, running your tongue along the crease in his armpit or even on the ‘pit itself will send him into such throes of ecstasy that he will do your laundry for a year.

3. And our nipples.

The man-nip is the only part of the male body that serves no other purpose except erotic pleasure. Bite, tug and pinch them—but do it wisely, without causing him undue pain and embarrassment—and you will own his heart.

4. And our balls.

Assuming he shaves and washes them and they don’t hang as low as a bloodhound’s jowls, here is another area where tender licking and perhaps a gentle massage will hypnotize him for the rest of his life, whereupon he will do your bidding and watch your favorite Netflix movies with you even though he doesn’t want to.

5. Right behind the knee is also highly sensitive.

This is the biggest Secret Love Area of this entire list. For whatever reason, God made the soft area in the back of his knee where his leg bends very sensitive to the touch. Therefore, touch it with a tender, understanding sort of finesse, and you will never have to tell him to pick up his socks—he’ll do it without being asked.

6. So is our ass, but we don’t like to talk about it.

The male “G-spot” is the prostate gland, which is hidden cruelly a couple inches inside his anus. A sharply curved finger massaging this hidden Almond of Joy during a blow job will have him signing his life’s savings over to you if you merely promise to do it to him one more time in the unforeseen future.

1.

“You’re a 9/10, and I’m the 1 you need.”

2.

(Summon a girl over with a finger gesture) “I made you come with one finger—imagine what I could do with my whole fist!”

3.

“Could I be a gentleman and push in your stool?”

4.

“Are you a single mom?”

“No.”

“Would you like to be?”

5.

“Did we have a class together in college? Cause I could swear we had some chemistry together.”

6.

“I love you five ever, because forever just isn’t enough.”

7.

”I want to wear your thighs as earmuffs.”

8.

“Come sit in my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that comes up.”

9.

“Baby, I put the STD is ‘stud’—all I need is ‘U.’”

10.

• “You must be a vacuum, ’cause you take my breath away.”

• “Is your dad in prison? Because if I was your dad, I’d be in prison.”

• “My dick just died. Can I bury it in your ass?”

• “If I had 4 quarters to give to the 4 prettiest girls in the world, you would have a dollar.”

• “Hey, girl, feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Boyfriend material.”

• “Are you a beaver? Cuz dam.”

• “Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score!”

• “Are you the Gulf of Mexico? Because I wanna drill you & make a huge mess.”

• “On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight? North Korea.”

11.

“My love for you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.”

12.

“Do you know karate? Cuz your body is kicking!”

13.

“The word of the day is ‘legs.’ Now let’s go back to my place and spread the word.”

14.

“You remind me of a trophy bass; I’m not sure if I’d rather mount you or eat you.”

15.

“Do you have some Norwegian in you? No?? Would you like some?”

16.

“Are you from Tennessee? ‘Coz you’re the only ten I see.”

17.

“Are you religious? Coz you’re the answer to my prayers.”

18.

“I may not be a weatherman but you’re gonna get more than a few inches tonight.”

19.

“Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I scraped my knee falling for you.”

20.

“The best part about being drunk is there’s two of you.”

21.

“I’m no Fred Flintstone but I’ll make your bed rock.”

1. Telemarketer.

Telemarketing. So many lonely 80+ year old widows to sell vitamin D to, who try to keep the call going for ten minutes even though they aren’t buying everything, and you try to hang up on them so that you could actually make some money but your heart says no.

2. Death-certificate verifier.

Working in the estates department at a major credit card. All day you read death certificates to confirm a death and then you send bills, usually with late fees, to their widow/widower.

3. Croissant-bender/colostomy-bag maker.

I worked on a croissant line. You can bet they never came out of the machine with that nice curved shape. Nope – they are straight, but someone has to bend them into shape, thousands of them every day, on a moving line. This equates to the most depressing job in the world….

I got the Fuck out of there and found a new job. …in a colostomy bag factory which involved (I kid you not) adding charcoal (fart) filters midway in the manufacturing process.

4. Animal-shelter volunteer.

Volunteered at an animal shelter.

Poor dogs and cats :( I remember right around Christmas some guy came in and dropped his dog off. For the next week she would look for him whenever anybody came into the kennel.

I only lasted about 2 months.

5. Cashier.

I’ve worked for 6 years as a retail cashier; at this point the cash register has more of a soul than I do.

6. Staff worker at an elderly home.

In Sweden … I was assigned to an elderly home for dementia, where my job description was “to get along and socialize with the elderly”. And that was also fine, or so I thought.

My job … was to talk to the elderly, get them active, and just generally socialize. So I would sit there, while people did actual work around me, and just talk people who were there because of their dementia. Some fared better than others, while others barely reached the surface at times, mumbling about something that happened a long time ago, then slipping back down again. None of them remembered my name, but day in and day out I would talk to them. For three weeks I listened to an old man’s life story while pretending to be his grandson. After a while I would fill in the blanks for him, to try to get farther into the story, or to change the direction of it entirely. He would forget every conversation we’d had the next day. Another woman would be convinced her doctor hadn’t prescribed her the pills she was supposed to take and had hysteric fits. Another would want to call her daughter, would need to call her daughter, even though I explained that her daughter had called her an hour ago and that her daughter was at work now, and that no, she couldn’t call her….

I was not allowed to distract myself in any way whatsoever, because my job was to be social, the thing I’m worst at, and I couldn’t even help the elderly in any way I perceived as helping. I couldn’t even leave or take a lunch break without asking for the key. And that made me feel as locked in as the rest of them.

7. Youth worker.

Youth worker. Going in with the best intentions and getting beaten, abused and treated like shit while babysitting/taxi driving underdeveloped teenagers with severe behavioral issues. Did a 24-hour shift once and also worked Christmas day….

8. Beach cop.

My job was to check registration at a private beach to see if people could park and walk down. There’s nothing worse than telling a sad-eyed father carrying a cooler, three boogie boards, and an umbrella, with his hyperactive children trailing behind: “Sorry this beach is for the special people; leave now, please.” We were the only accessible beach for twenty minutes in any direction.

9. Community-college janitor.

I was working for my community college I was attending as a janitor. Weekdays after prime time I had to clean the bathrooms. Men’s room occasional shit on the seat but god damn the women’s room was one of the most disgusting places I’ve ever had to venture, it should be considered a HAZMAT. There would be blood shit and piss and tampons everywhere and it never let up. I’ve wiped countless numbers in blood off the walls, some off mirrors, cleaned up nasty vomit. Anyone who ever had to clean a college women’s bathroom will probably understand.

10. Reader of illegible checks.

I used to work for a huge bank. The bank had a big automated system for reading checks. However, the system had to try and decipher human handwriting.

About 60% of checks could not be understood by the automated system, so the computer would take a screen shot and put in in the “illegible” folder.

My job was to sit in front of a computer screen and a picture of am “illegible” check would appear. I would manually type in the amount (which was usually scrawled in shitty handwriting) and press enter.

Then another check would appear on the screen.

400 / hour was my target.

I never once reached it.

11. Underpaid, overworked lawyer.

Being an attorney. As a litigator in a medium-sized town, it means dealing with usually terrible people with really terrible family problems. Generally, divorce, criminal, and juvenile law. At some point, I went to law school to learn about “law,” but I’m having difficulty remembering why because I haven’t needed to read law in so long. Mired in conflict all day, odd hostility from other attorneys who simply love “the fight” (why would any one love the fight about Johnny’s visitation?), and the demand of billable hours add up to one awful way to live.

And, no. Attorneys generally don’t make much more money than the average adult. The average breadwinner in a household who is under 35 makes about 35K per year—about what attorneys start at around here. And law students are behind the eight ball, having foregone three years opportunity costs to incur an incredible debt load. …

TL; DR: don’t go to law school unless you’re sure you know what a lawyer does and you can see yourself doing that.

12. Insurance Adjuster.

Insurance adjuster.

“Oh you had a storm come through and destroy every single possession in your house and cause $50,000 in damage, and you have no way of paying for it because you are elderly and on a fixed income? Sorry, the contract our team of lawyers crafted excludes you from this kind of damage. If you had read and understood the 110-page document of legal jargon you agreed to, you would know about all the various ways you are not covered even though a bunch of others things in the contract make it sound like you should be.”

“No, I realize your agent did not explain this to you, that is because they work on commission and only care about getting you signed up.”

“I know I am the spawn of Satan because I am the poor fool the company hires to explain why they fucked you over, and I have almost no power to help you.”

13. Medicaid clerk.

I work for Medicaid and sit on my ass for eight hours inputting inmates into our system for Medicaid coverage. The amount of morons that run our nation’s healthcare system no longer surprises me. The amount of fat fucks that sit and drink soda all damn day is also no longer surprising… I am college-educated and now feel even dumber than I was when I was 14 because of this job…

14. Worker at extremely conservative church.

I’ve worked at a church for about 6 years. A very, very conservative church. As a progressive it has blown my mind to see the insane amounts of xenophobia, bigotry, racism, and me-first selfishness that the Tea Party congregation bathes themselves in.

Why did I go work there? I had no idea it would be like this. I just wanted to work with kids and help them. Over the years I’ve been shocked as the onion layers have been peeled back, revealing more and more ideologically fucked-up garbage. It makes me so freaking sad. It’s awful to work for a place that considers gay people, foreigners, practitioners of other religions, and “liberals” as subhuman. Science is mocked. Poor people are helped, but the people helping them are very vocal about how lazy and greedy people on welfare are. Also groups from the church travel to protest immigrant children in America and scream at them to go home, and I feel like that kind of cancels out the ministry to the poor.

1. I can’t out myself because I would immediately lose my job and my wife and I are so poor that we would become homeless. I have been desperately searching for a new job for about 3 years now but haven’t even gotten an interview (turns out a Bible degree isn’t very sought after in the real world).

2. My soul is quite literally being crushed here. I still believe in God and still love the teachings of Christ. But never in my life have I been so disappointed and so disillusioned by the church. The worst part is knowing that although my current church is pretty extreme, the majority of Western evangelicalism would side with them on many of their views.

3. Most days I want to cry and/or scream at every single person here about how they are literally ignoring Christ’s teachings in favor of following a political ideology.

Doesn’t help that I’ve never gotten a raise while cost of living goes up about 4.6 percent annually in our area.

15. Fast-food manager.

I think being a manager at a fast food restaurant. Not only do you have to put up with bullshit from customers, ones that think they’re entitled to everything on the menu because one of their items wasn’t correct. Then there’s the ones that claim that our people are too stupid to have a job because they didn’t order something right. I’ll put up with your complaint, and if you have something constructive to say I may give you a refund while still letting you have another meal, but as soon as you start being abusive to me or my employees I will destroy you.

Then there are the employees. Oh, the employees. The ones that I see take thousands of dollars of school loans when they’re really not even smart enough to do their fast-food job. I think it hurt me the most to see them, because they will be there for a very long time. Then there’s the parents who work because they lost their job, and you know they’re probably on welfare while working full time because it is hard enough to get by when you’re their manager.

The worst, absolute worst though was seeing the veterans. I worked at a place where we promoted it as a “first job” back from the battlefield. I once had a 50-year-old man have an anxiety attack from PTSD in my fridge and I tried my hardest to help him, but he was so ashamed that he quit.

It’s so sad to see all of these people making $7.25 an hour because it almost makes you feel, since you’re making more than that, that you’re just barely out of that cycle of poverty so suddenly you’re promoting it.

16. Clerk at women’s clothing boutique.

Working at a young women’s clothing boutique in the mall. Full disclosure: I am female, but working in an all girl environment was just not for me. They are like sharks.

17. Pipe-yard worker in the Canadian winter.

I had a job in a pipe yard last year. That job was easily the worst job I’ve ever worked. I made great money and it wasn’t unusual to take home 3000 dollars every two weeks. I didn’t mind the work as it was fairly easy and laid back. I assisted loader operators with the loading and unloading of pipe. The only bad part about the job itself was working outside in the Canadian winter all day in minus-40 Celsius.

The thing that was bad about the job was how long they worked you (worked 12 hours a day for 12 days straight then had two off, enough time to do some laundry and spend time with the girlfriend for a movie night), and the people I worked with. I worked in a crew of 9 guys and out of those 9 half were alcoholics with some very dark pasts, and half were drug addicts or bros who would party way too much and way too hard. They all lived paycheck to paycheck and most made more money than me! Being around dipshits like that all day every day slowly turned me into one of them. I became vulgar and bad with my money and started smoking weed every day heavily instead of my usual hoots before bedtime. It was the only way I could cope with spending my days around those people.

That job put me into a huge bout of depression and affected my personal life immensely. I became withdrawn and aggressive to everyone around me. If you said something I didn’t like then I’d call you out. The breaking point was when me and my girlfriend had a fight one day and she screamed “you haven’t been happy for over a year since you started that job!” And I just stopped and collapsed to the ground crying and said in between sobs, “I know.” I had known it all along but I was seriously depressed and denying it.

I quit and got out and am back in university. … If you’re ever curious about how you’ll end up if you go down a certain career path then look at the people who have been in that field for a while, it will tell you tons. The people I worked with were all lost souls who had nowhere else to go and weren’t motivated to turn their lives around, they were stuck there. Money doesn’t buy happiness, people.

1. “At six years old he burned down the family home on purpose to kill his father for not getting him a Star Wars toy.”

My ex said that she noticed her male cousin was off from even when he was a baby. At six years old he burned down the family home on purpose to kill his father for not getting him a Star Wars toy. It escalated from there. Cats set on fire or missing, children getting “punished” by him with odd cuts, and more. The last I heard about this was a few years ago where he had to be institutionalized.

2. “I saw the exact moment when her face changed abruptly to a fucking smirk of satisfaction.”

I don’t know if she’s been diagnosed, but I saw this girl cry in front of a teacher for a grade. When the teacher said she would take care of the situation (i.e. improve her grade), she left, crying, and I saw the exact moment when her face changed abruptly to a fucking smirk of satisfaction.

3. “I got bitch-slapped so hard you could see her wedding ring imprinted on my face for 48 hours.”

When my mom would tell my sisters and I to clean the house to look like Better Homes and Gardens. I was about 5 or 6. The house would be spotless, pillows organized a certain way, dishes put in a very specific spot in the dishwasher. If one pillow was tilted off or a fork was put in upside down, I got bitch-slapped so hard you could see her wedding ring imprinted on my face for 48 hours. Sister got her head slammed into the refrigerator for something silly. I thought my mom had broken her nose for sure. She would always lock herself in her room after this, then come out about two hours later and act like she was the most loving parent in the world. Almost confused as to what happened to us. I was petrified of her and her mood swings. Almost 24 and I refuse to see her. … Crazy runs on my mom’s side of the family.

4. “He’s never been officially diagnosed because he knows how to charm therapists but he’s a really sick, selfish man.”

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment but probably when my uncle broke my tiny space heater because he thought it’d start a fire and kill his daughter (whom he regularly beat). He’s never been officially diagnosed because he knows how to charm therapists but he’s a really sick, selfish man. Everything is about him and his needs and how we can help him and he’s the most self-entitled person I ever met. He’d spend hours on end yelling at us (my mom and brother) just because he could and there wasn’t a thing we could really do. He’s around 6’6” or 6’7” and about three hundred pounds. Just a really scary dude. He moved to Utah and joined a church a few months ago, so that’s cool. But he came down for the weekend and kinda reverted right back to a scary asshole before leaving again. … I could write a thesis on my hate for this guy.

5. “He would also say things like, ‘I have to pretend to feel emotions. I’m not like other people.’”

My father would say awful things to me, like, “You can’t ride your bike like me because you’re fat. You’re pathetic. You’ll be in a wheelchair by the time you’re 30 because you’ll be too fat to walk.” I was 9 and he’s a marathon biker. Of course I couldn’t ride like him. And sure, I was fat, so what?

Then, he would deny he ever said anything like…a minute later.

He would also say things like, “I have to pretend to feel emotions. I’m not like other people. I put on a mask so no one can see what I really am.” He also used to hurt our pets on purpose if they did something that even mildly irritated him and my mom wasn’t watching.

He said stuff like that when I was a kid and he probably thought I would forget it, but I never did. I later talked to my dad’s side of the family about it, and everyone confirmed that they had experienced the same things. My mom left him when I was little because he kept trying to control her life, and he only gave my mom half the child support money she was supposed to get just to “See how long” it would take her to notice. (Not long.) …

As an adult, I pushed away from him because he’s very manipulative. I told him if he wants to stay in my life, he’s not allowed to do anything to manipulate me and we have to be civil to each other. So far, everything’s going great. I love my dad, but I can’t be close to him anymore.

6. “He was a little cold, I suppose.”

He was just my uncle when I was growing up. I went over to his house pretty infrequently even though I loved playing with my cousins. He was a little cold, I suppose. He never tried to talk to me except one time when he invited me to learn to play chess. I remember being very impressed with how serious the game was and how nice the chessboard looked. But when I asked to go play with my cousins instead, he just said, “We are playing right now. You can leave when I am done playing.” It made me incredibly nervous.

A few years passed and I realized that I hadn’t seen him or talked to him or seen my cousins.

When I was about 16, my mom told me that the reason was because she finally told her mother that he had raped her, repeatedly, since the time she was 6 years old (he was 15 at the time). She had never told anyone but just couldn’t deny it anymore since he was spending time with me and it terrified her.

When she told my grandmother the truth, my uncle apparently did all sorts of horrible things trying to convince my grandmother to disown my mother, to extort money from her, etc. It wasn’t until his own daughter confessed that he had been abusive to her that my grandmother understood what a monster he was.

He fled to Florida 10 years ago and we haven’t heard or seen him since.

He can burn in hell.

7. “He talks openly about hurting people and animals.”

My cousin I think may be a sociopath.

Right now, I believe he is being clinically treated in a center. It really is a sad story. He is 13-14, and at first had the typical middle-child syndrome. At a young age (I think 2) his mother was convinced that he had ADD/ADHD and was put on a strong cocktail of medications, including antipsychotic medications. … I feel that it is worth mentioning, just to emphasize that he was so very little (around 2) and was already exposed to these types of medications. …

Anyways, some of the family history. The mother was a younger mother and was somewhat negligent to her children. She partied a lot, her mother watched her kiddos. The father was a deadbeat druggie user who has spent the majority of his adult life in jail. She was the kind of mother who smokes pot around her kids, has taken mushrooms and drinks in front of her kids, has rowdy friends over, etc. Of course, the middle child picks up and starts to idolize this type of party lifestyle from a young age.

To make matters worse, their mother is also quick to hit. Not like a spanking. I’ve seen her throw her 10-year-old on the couch and just thrash the poor kid while at a family gathering. I didn’t know what to do! It was so shocking, and the only thing I could do was to grab my two-year-old and leave, pronto! She was also privy to humiliating people from what I’ve been told. She verbally abused him while drunk in front of her friends because he did not want to put on one of her dresses and high heels and parade around for their amusement.

Some time goes on, and she can’t control him. He is breaking out of the house. He robbed a shop in the middle of the night and was caught abusing prescription drugs. He posts nasty sexualized statements on Facebook about nailing girls in his grade. Then one night the shit hits the fan. He is now big enough and can hit back. A struggle ensues with mother. He attacks her; cops, CPS are called. He is shipped off to rehab. After some time he is out of rehab and rebounds. He is back at home and keeps making weird comments about killing his mother and youngest sibling. He also makes weird comments about Nazis and generally seems to have no concept of right and wrong. He just doesn’t give a flying shit anymore. He talks openly about hurting people and animals.

His mother takes him to the hospital because she has no idea what to do with him. The nurse asks if he has a plan of hurting anyone, and he blankly looks her in the face and says “I don’t need a plan, I just know I can.” Apparently, he is hearing voices and they’re telling him to do bad things.

Schizophrenia runs in our family, and it is not uncommon for the symptoms to present themselves during puberty. Before these developments unraveled it seemed that we had to explain a lot as to why certain subjects were wrong, or why some comments were inappropriate. It was like he liked the shock value and the rise his behavior got from people.

Anyways, he is admitted now to a clinic to be evaluated by a forensic psychologist last I’ve heard. It makes me so sad to think about him. I am sure to a certain extent these are issues that may have always been there, but I am not convinced that if he had a better, more well-rounded upbringing that it wouldn’t have presented itself like it is now.

8. “He then stalked me for six months, tried to kill himself…”

I dated a guy with borderline personality disorder that he was not taking medication for. I didn’t notice until after we broke up for the third time and I wouldn’t take him back. He then stalked me for six months, tried to kill himself, quit his job, crashed his car, lived in a park, tried heroin, got a blowie from a dude, etc. and made sure to call to tell me as he was doing those things…

For the record, my mother was right. You should always listen to your mother.

1. “I was in the dorm building over from a guy who chopped up his parents with an axe.”

I was in the dorm building over from a guy who chopped up his parents with an axe. He came back to school like nothing had happened before being arrested.

He was in a poker group I frequented so we met several times. Never really noticed anything out of the ordinary with him.

His frat brothers all said he seemed off and was creepy but they only said that after he killed his folks and the story was getting media attention.

This is him.

2. “He killed his wife and himself after eating his cat.”

When I was growing up in suburbia, we lived next to a beekeeper. This was all well and good, except for the fact that he would always try to offer to pack any cuts or broken bones or really any injuries anyone suffered with his bees. Other than that, he was a fairly normal guy, then he killed his wife and himself after eating his cat.

3. “When I was very young, someone who lived down the street stabbed two of his daughters to death.”

When I was very young, someone who lived down the street stabbed two of his daughters to death. He had gotten very depressed and planned to kill his whole family, commit suicide, and meet them in heaven. He snapped out of it after killing his two daughters, called the police, and sat in his yard until the police arrived and arrested him. I didn’t know him or his family, but, as far as I know, no one suspected him, as he acted normal until he was ready to kill his family. He’s currently in prison and is apparently much better now that he’s been treated. In fact, his wife has forgiven him and wants to get back together, although I’m not sure his other children forgive him.

4. “He was fairly normal as far as most people are.”

Lived in the same neighborhood as Drew Peterson, who was a cop convicted for killing his third wife and suspected in the murder/disappearance of his fourth wife.

He was fairly normal as far as most people are. His older kids went to our schools and the one closest to my age was his senior class’s valedictorian – very smart kids and nothing out of the ordinary.

5. “From what I was told, he was a nice guy.”

There was a guy, a hired gun for the Hell’s Angels lived a couple houses from mine. He killed 27 people. And nobody ever had the single doubt about it (including my father who is a policeman). From what I was told, he was a nice guy…

link to a news article

6. “She said he was nice but mostly kept to himself.”

My aunt lived up the street from [serial killer] Robert Berdella for a couple of years. We went to his store Bob’s Bizarre Bazaar a few times but I was too little to remember. She said he was nice but mostly kept to himself. She never thought anything of him really. He was just a dude up the street. She moved just a few weeks before that man escaped from Berdella’s house. She that looking back there were no red flags or anything suspicious. She said that knowing those horrible things were happening just a few yards away from where she slept gave her nightmares for years after the news broke. Kansas City is kind of fucked-up place.

My aunt on the other side of the family went to church with BTK. I think he was even a deacon or something in their church. She said that she never liked him and thought he was a creep. She never would of thought he was capable of that kind of evil but that there was something very off about him. She mentioned not liking the guy long before he was a suspect in the killings. Wichita is also kind of a fucked-up place.

7. “I went to high school with the Dark Knight Shooter James Holmes.”

I wasn’t his neighbor and I knew him in high school… but I went to high school with the Dark Knight Shooter James Holmes. I had a few classes with him and talked with him from time to time but that’s it. When I tell people this, the obvious question is the same thing you asked, and ill tell you to me this was quite a surprise. He was smart, in honors classes, on sports teams, and though after HS I lost contact with him, I’ll tell you this. Something changed in that time. Whatever it was may never be known, but the kid I knew isn’t the same one that shot up a movie theater.

8. “Apparently the couple was arguing and the dad just pulled out a gun and shot her between the eyes.”

I go to school with a girl whose father killed her mother. She seemed pretty chill for (not to be racist) someone with ridiculously strict Asian parents. She always said that her parents argued a lot but it was just business as usual, “typical Asian stuff” she said sometimes.

Come 5 or so months ago, she finds her mom’s corpse hidden away in a closet after walking home from school. Apparently the couple was arguing and the dad just pulled out a gun and shot her between the eyes. This happened during our school time so the dad skips town for the airport nearby. It’s a good thing his conscious got to him because he turned himself in the next day.

The daughter returned a week later and didn’t seem nearly as fazed as someone whose mother had just been murdered would seem. She seemed to be functioning excellently in school but wouldn’t talk to me or anyone else at school for weeks. When she finally opened up, she told me that she was staying with her aunt, who luckily lived very close by. She never told me how long her father was in for or in what charges, but she did say that she’d most likely never see him as a free individual again. In the most tonally upsetting way possible, she also told me that she should’ve known this would happen, and that she never wants to see him again anyways. I’ve never seen a person cry that much after that day in my 16 years.

I just forgot. I never stated where she lived. I live approximately 5 houses away from that place. I don’t look at it when I commute to school on my bike. The only thing I did after her mom’s murder was place a few roses on the porch, a few of hundreds that were already there. She never really mentions the place anymore, and I don’t blame her. The only thing she told me about the house is how her mother’s murder would only decrease the value of the surrounding houses, including my own. I sometimes hear my neighbor ranting in his senility. “Why the fuck did that asshole need to kill her? Not my fault, I shouldn’t be paying for it.” It doesn’t matter though, nothing anyone can do to change it.

9. “He said he thought the mother was quite attractive, and he wondered what it would feel like if he strangled her to death.”

Rick was a handsome man, very handsome. Mum said Rick could light up a room with his charm and wit, and always had very beautiful girlfriends. Both my mum and dad were very fond of him, and spent long evenings drinking, laughing and sailing boats and whatnot.

My mum got really ill, she got pneumonia and my dad worked full time, so once she was well enough to go home she was basically bed-ridden and left home alone for most of the day.

One afternoon, mum was woken by the sound of clanking and footsteps, she weakly called out, asking if it was my dad, Rick sticks his head round the door frame. She said it was a nice surprise to see him, but she wondered what he was doing here. He just said he was really worried about her, and if she needed a cup of tea or some toast. Mum kindly declined and said not to worry himself, and that my dad would be home soon anyway. He smiled and said that he would let himself out, and disappeared round the corner of the doorframe.

My mum closed her eyes to go back to sleep when a thought popped into her mind.

“How did he get in?”

Then she starts hearing shuffling noises coming from downstairs, Rick’s still here. 20 minutes go past, and she can still hear him pacing around downstairs. She starts thinking to herself that she would like him to go now, and where the hell is my husband?

When dad finally comes home, Rick has left, and they think nothing more of it.

Two weeks later, Rick is arrested and everyone is shocked & upset, especially my parents. He was charged for the murder of a woman and an infant and found guilty. Mum and dad still were still fond of Rick, and mum was still ill, so dad went by himself to visit him in prison. Mum said he was visibly shaken when he came home, and mum asked him how Rick was.

Dad said that Rick was walking around a local park one late afternoon, and he saw a young mother and her child out for a walk. He said he followed them briefly before introducing himself. He said he thought the mother was quite attractive, and he wondered what it would feel like if he strangled her to death. So he described how he led them into a shadier area and promptly strangled the mother in front of the child. Then, he turned to the child and broke his neck with his bare hands, and left both their bodies in the daylight.

Then, he let himself into my mum and dad’s flat through an open window, and spent half an hour deciding whether or not he wanted to murder my mother. In the end he didn’t because he said it looked like my mum was dying anyway.

My dad was horrified and said he’ll never visit him again or talk to him.

I was pretty shocked when I found out about this, I’m 23, and I never heard them say anything about it. I guess it shocked them just how close they came to murder, and from someone they loved and trusted.

10. “He was certainly an odd one, but most odd people aren’t murderers.”

My next-door neighbor was arrested in 2011 for the murders of 4 women in California. Before his trial closed they were able to add two more to his charges. They know he killed at least ten (he kept journals and photos) but could only match up six. His MO also matches 8-10 other women’s murders in the New York area, so 20 women potentially.

He was certainly an odd one, but most odd people aren’t murderers. He was in his 70s, lived alone, did a lot of outside maintenance on his property but rarely left. He would wave and talk to me when he saw me walking my dog everyday. Normal stuff about the weather or the news. He always seemed irritable but who doesn’t have an old neighbor that isn’t? We invited him to thanksgiving one year. He brought some foul tasting stuffing and left five minutes later. One winter he was just standing in the middle if the street in the snow at like 3:00am. He always kept his windows and doors heavily shuttered. In May my husband and I finally decided to break into his house (it’s been sitting untouched since his arrest) and look around. I can completely see why he kept the windows covered. That house is the scariest, freakiest thing I’ve ever seen.

11. “He was always strange….”

My next-door neighbor was arrested for murdering his brother in law so that the brother of the brother in law would collect all the inheritance money from their money. My neighbor besides the murder was living a double life lying that he had a job for General Motors and told his family that he was always on business trips in other states. He was actually having a second fiancé that his wife and kids knew nothing about. The fiancé was actually a popular radio host around Massachusetts so that made this even bigger. He got life sentences and his family never sees him anymore and lost everything. The dad stole the college funds of both daughters and he money from the wife’s account. He borrowed money from my neighbor down the street and his family lost their house when my neighbor was arrested. He was always strange….

12.“My neighbor was convicted of murder. At 19.”

My neighbor was convicted of murder. At 19.

He was a clean-cut kid; got good grades, and was headed to become a pharmacist. He had dabbled in drugs, “experimented,” as some might say, but overall a good kid.

He apparently got into selling drugs, and sold this girl cocaine. She died almost instantly after selling it to her. He was charged and convicted of some form of murder, though the judge didn’t allow for an important piece of evidence to be shown to the jury: the girl in question had been in a relatively bad accident a week prior, and had sustained some serious head injuries. Oh, well.

13.“He murdered his business partner who was going to turn him over to authorities.”

My parents owned apartments and we became very good friends with a couple that was raising their granddaughter. We would spend almost every weekend, vacations and even holidays with them.

The grandfather was very Mafia-esque. He always “had a friend” or “knew a guy” for any little thing we ever needed. He drank more vodka than anyone I’ve ever met. Also on paper they didn’t have a lot of money, but they always had a ton of expensive things..

Anyway, about 10 years ago he murdered his business partner who was going to turn him over to authorities because he had been embezzling a lot of money from the company. He tried to destroy the evidence by throwing it in the river, I think it was a hammer and gloves. It was winter. There was ice. Evidence found. He’s in his 70s in prison for life.

I was pretty shocked, he was a nice guy, very family oriented and sooo loyal to anyone he knew. I was not surprised to hear he had been drinking before it happened which could have led to harming someone because he probably felt at the end of his rope. I just couldn’t imagine him killing someone, never got the murder vibe, but I guess alcohol and bad situations could lead someone to do terrible things…

14.“He seemed like a fairly good kid, too.”

I had a neighbor, Josh (he was 20 at the time) who killed his infant child by shaking it to death. He then tried to cover it up by saying the child was sleeping and gave it back to the mother, who eventually found out that it was dead and called police. I don’t think he did it intentionally, but he covered it up and made it look really bad. He seemed like a fairly good kid, too.

That family had the worst of luck. Josh’s little sister died when he was 15 and she was 12, she was fell off of a float during a parade and was run over and killed. About two weeks after the daughter’s death, the father had begun drinking heavily to try and ease the pain. One night after a few drinks, the father crashed his motorcycle and became paralyzed from the waist down. I felt to badly for the whole family.

15. “If I knew he needed money that bad I’d have let him keep it.”

When I was in my early twenties I moved to South Florida for work. I had four roommates and an amazing house we rented. We worked in the bar business with a LOT of other people, and when we would throw a party we would literally have 150-200 people show up. I even had friends on the police force that would let us run ’til like 2am before shutting us down. Well one time we decide to have this huge bash and we wanted to make some money from it. So we charged $10 a person for the guys. But we didn’t want to bother collecting so we offered this one guy from work some money if he’d work the door and collect. He was a big Hawaiian looking kid. Anyway, the kid collects about $1,000 and my roommate being drunk told him to keep half of it. The next day when I found out I called him and told him there was a mistake and I wanted $300 back, which he gave me no problem. A few years later my buddy sends me an article about this kid. He robbed an IHOP, put 3-4 employees in the cooler on their knees, and shot them execution style. One somehow survived and identified him. If you wanna look him up just Google Chip Hojan. He was a big sweetheart of a kid when I knew him. Always laughing, very soft-spoken. Like a big, young teddy bear. I couldn’t believe it. If I knew he needed money that bad I’d have let him keep it.

16.“Imagine being forced to smoke meth then watch as your mom gets shot.”

It was about seven or eight years ago when a neighbor moved in. Immediately we could tell he was a….deadbeat loser. (Trying to be polite as possible, deadbeat loser is a compliment to this fellow.)

He would leave his kids outside in below-freezing weather with no coats on. Another neighbor once found their toddler running down the highway near the neighborhood and drove him home. Thankfully she recognized the boy and knew where he lived. She called DFS and I’ll never know how, but they didn’t take the kids away from him.

Mind you he had a small infant, a toddler, three children between 5-10, and two teenagers. He must’ve had quite a few baby mommas because they were all his. We had neighborhood BBQs in which everyone in the neighborhood would show up with something to contribute. As where he did contribute, he allowed his kids to do whatever they wanted. They ransacked a neighbor’s pool and ate a shit load of food. They were all skinny so we figured they were hungry as hell. …

One day we finally met one of the kids’ mothers. She was clearly a meth addict. I don’t like to judge, but she was a walking meth poster. We began to smell chemicals in the air and I assume a neighbor called the police because there were suddenly two police cars outside his house.

We thought, “Whatever, just a drug bust, doesn’t surprise me at all.”

Nope. Less than ten minutes later the SWAT was everywhere. Several vans full of masked gunmen showed up and surrounded the house. That’s when I realized he had done something fucking awful. I originally suspected a bomb, but I don’t know why I thought that.

We eventually had the police knocking on everyone’s doors telling them to evacuate and my bomb suspicions were nearly confirmed. Everyone hauled ass out of the neighborhood.

About two hours later we were allowed back into our homes and on the way back up the street we saw the dad in cuffs on the ground and the SWAT teams leaving. We got around to asking a police offer what had happened.

They wouldn’t tell everything, but they said he was forcing the kids to get hooked on meth and was cooking it in one of the kids’ rooms. When the police showed up he threatened to kill every one of his kids, he managed to kill two and the wife was badly wounded.

I feel so sorry for those kids. Imagine being forced to smoke meth then watch as your mom gets shot and two of your siblings die because your dad is so strung out on drugs.

I sat there, not gonna lie, in tears as they took the mom away by stretcher and within an hour the two little body bags.

I knew those kids by name.